Podcast 1:21 – Open Communication with Your Spouse, Kids and Exes

Open communication is important to any relationship. Don’t mistake open communication for transparency like we did. Transparency is about visibility,  open communication is more about how, when and where you communicate. In this episode find out how Darren & Paige muddle through their journey to open communication in their marriage.

Listen to the Episode

In Marriage

  • Be Timely 
    • (Don’t put it off, but make sure it is an appropriate time), Pick the right time.
    • Not when you are too angry.
    • Read the room for the mood.
  • Be Flexible
    • Conversations don’t always go as planned.
    • Don’t get attached to the way you planned the conversation, you will be disappointed in the direction it takes.
    • Move with the dialog. Bend with it and work with the direction it is going.
  • Be Patient
    • No one communicates perfectly.
    • Listen to what they are saying instead of planning your perfect response.
  • Be Intuitive
    • There are more than words when you are communicating.
    • Listen to understand the feeling behind it.
    • This is not an excuse to twist the words of your partner.
    • Read between the lines in a good way, not a bad way. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
    • Not everyone is a good communicator.
  • Be Accepting
    • Hard to communicate when you are filled with judgment.
    • Let your partner know that you care and love them.
    • When you are feeling judged you just want to shut down.
  • Be Honest
    • Honesty is one of the most important aspects.
    • Clarity, love, and gentleness
    • Don’t dodge the truth for fear on how it will be perceived, you will build bigger walls.
  • Take responsibility, you are in control of the way you communicate with your partner.
  • You cannot control how your spouse communicates. You control yourself, but hopefully, in time they will reciprocate your communication style.

With the Kids

  • Why is Open Communication is important for our kids?
    • If we don’t tell them things they make it up. They fill in the gaps, which can be far worse than reality.
  • Example of Sam finding out why his parents got divorced.
    • Timely
    • Respect of everyone else involved.
  • Make sure your kids know the custody schedules and any changes to the schedule.
    • We use a Google Calendar that they can see.
    • Use a weekly “sync” meeting with the kids to talk about weekly schedule and changes.
  • Don’t use the kids to communicate with your Ex!!!

With your Exes

  • Be flexible with communication with your Ex
    • Many marriages end because you could not communicate effectively in the past. 
    • Divorce does not fix communication problems. It makes it 100x worse.
    • Move with the dialog, bend with communication. Don’t be on the defensive.
  • Be timely with communication with respect to children’s well being. Try and keep emotion out of it.
  • Remember you are no longer married and you respect boundaries and timeliness

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren and Paige learn from this episode about their own communication patterns and make changes to improve.

Transcript

Transcript

00:01
[Music]

00:08
hello this is Darren and this is page

00:10
and this is where’s the lemonade where

00:13
we talked about what happens when life

00:15
throws you lemons make some lemonade

00:17
maybe some weeks it’s lemons worse yeah

00:20
some weeks it’s just

00:21
lemons on today’s episode we’re gonna

00:27
talk about open communication in our

00:29
marriage and with our kids in our exes

00:32
sounds great in one of our previous

00:34
episodes we talked about transparency

00:37
and but today we’re gonna talk about

00:39
open communication yeah which is really

00:43
important in a marriage especially in a

00:46
second marriage especially in all

00:49
marriages open communication is super

00:51
important so how is transparency

00:53
different than open communication well

00:57
because we questioned whether we want to

00:59
do this episode or not we did we really

01:01
did transparency is being transparent

01:05
with social media and passwords and

01:09
email right being willing to be

01:11
completely open to your spouse and say

01:15
hey you are welcome to look at anything

01:18
that I’m looking at so that kind of

01:21
transparency and then open communication

01:24
is actually talking with each other

01:27
about situations about everything openly

01:31
so hopefully I think that’s the

01:32
difference right yeah I think so and in

01:35
the Articles that we read about this we

01:36
did quite a bit of research on this and

01:38
we found some really good advice on how

01:41
to establish open communication with

01:43
your spouse yeah we did so you want to

01:47
dive right into it let’s dive right in

01:48
okay so the first bullet point that this

01:54
article that we read had said be timely

01:58
all right so I thought be timely when

02:01
you read this to me I thought oh so when

02:04
something comes up just talk about it

02:05
right and that’s actually not what it

02:08
means which that validates me huh yeah

02:11
it does it’s it I guess it’s a typic

02:13
man thing right I see a problem let’s

02:16
talk about it yeah so be timely meaning

02:19
time when you’re going to talk about

02:22
hard things it’s not always appropriate

02:26
I mean you got to pick the right time

02:28
you have to pick the right time if you

02:30
pick the right time so it might not be

02:32
right that second you may need to calm

02:34
down you may need to think about what

02:36
you how you want to say something so

02:39
don’t put things off yeah that was the

02:42
other thing too yeah don’t put them off

02:44
just because you’re afraid to talk about

02:47
it right because we do that yeah I think

02:49
everyone does up yeah we do that but

02:51
make sure it’s the right time not a

02:54
month later or a year later we’re

02:56
talking you know hours or a day or if

02:58
you’ve really got so can you think of an

03:00
example where we put things off were you

03:02
and I yeah hmm may have to cut that

03:08
stuff I was gonna say why you asked me

03:10
that I don’t know honey can you think of

03:14
anything maybe we’re in dealing with the

03:16
kids in some respects we put things off

03:19
that you and I needed to talk about

03:20
whether it was discipline of the kids or

03:23
you know things I think we tread lightly

03:26
sometimes on that even with our adult

03:28
kids talking about our adult kids well

03:31
yeah and I think sometimes in fact just

03:33
this week we had a little bit of a rough

03:37
week with our relationship just with

03:39
getting along with each other when she

03:42
say yeah I think so we did we had we had

03:44
a rough week and we did put some things

03:47
off I had things that I wanted to maybe

03:49
talk to you about but I didn’t know so

03:52
you know I don’t want to get into it

03:53
right now and then it was just brewed it

03:55
brewed it brewed and then it’s been a

03:57
couple days and I’ve been brewing about

03:59
it the whole time and yeah so that way I

04:01
was putting it off because I was like oh

04:03
we’re gonna you know it’s gonna be a

04:04
thing we’re gonna have this discussion

04:07
but it just festered yes and while it

04:10
was festering I was just getting

04:13
irritated at everything right yeah and I

04:17
and I’m oblivious I had no idea what was

04:19
going on well you knew that I was

04:20
irritating I knew that your ear dude I

04:22
thought it was I breathing too heavy yes

04:25
yes

04:26
so I think I think that’s a good point I

04:29
mean sometimes when we hold on to

04:30
something that we really want to talk to

04:32
our spouse about then it exacerbates

04:35
everything else that’s going on totally

04:38
agree because we just did it just this

04:41
week but yeah you’re right it was

04:43
brewing and simmering because I was you

04:46
know putting off I don’t wanna have this

04:47
conversation it’s gonna be a thing and

04:50
everything was irritating me where if we

04:53
maybe just sort of had the conversation

04:54
to begin with maybe it wouldn’t have

04:56
been that kind of week what do you think

04:57
yeah I think so it’s good we’re doing

04:59
this podcast but they’re learning so

05:01
much right now you’re learning a lot

05:03
alright the next thing is to be flexible

05:06
yeah yeah this one I thought you when

05:09
you read this one you goes oh this is

05:11
women completely but I think men have a

05:13
good play in this too really because I I

05:15
feel like this is this is women that so

05:19
be flexible meaning conversations aren’t

05:22
gonna go always as you plan now I think

05:25
women especially I don’t know I’m not a

05:27
man so I don’t know but I think that we

05:30
I’m glad you’re not a man I know I know

05:32
aren’t you glad I we get in our mind how

05:36
we think I’m gonna say something to you

05:38
and you’re gonna say this back to me and

05:39
I’m gonna say this back to you and

05:40
you’re gonna say so I mean and then it’s

05:42
gonna be done everything’s gonna be

05:43
great like we have it planned out how we

05:46
want the conversation to go I remember

05:47
when we first got married that was a

05:49
problem because you you had a way that

05:52
the conversation was gonna go and if I

05:54
didn’t follow the script that was in

05:55
your head then you got a hard time

05:58
recovering from that yeah yeah yeah the

06:01
beginning of our marriage right we’ve

06:03
gotten both much better with flexibility

06:06
yeah so it’s just the ability to read

06:09
the dialogue and read what’s going on

06:12
and not plan every single step of your

06:15
conversation out because we are dealing

06:18
with two people when we’re conversing

06:19
well I think it’s important you can plan

06:21
out what you want to say but don’t plan

06:24
out what you think that your spouse’s

06:27
response is going to be right absolutely

06:31
yes because I think that’s where we get

06:33
in trouble cuz all Senor you didn’t

06:34
respond back the way I wanted you to

06:36
exactly you’re sitting

06:38
going wait a second that is not the

06:40
direction I thought this was gonna go at

06:41
all

06:42
and then I for me I’m kind of thrown off

06:47
completely and yeah the horizon yeah so

06:50
remember the whole point of

06:52
communicating is getting your point

06:55
across or your feelings across not

06:58
necessarily you can’t judge what the

07:00
outcome is going to be just that you’re

07:02
trying to communicate what’s going on

07:04
with you at that time

07:05
right right right so you may not get the

07:08
validation that you want no and that

07:09
really stinks – yeah it does and a lot

07:13
of times I would say like with this week

07:15
with us and as we’ve talked as we’ve

07:17
talked through these things you get the

07:19
validation later even in your first

07:21
attempt at the conversation you’re gonna

07:23
have you still walk away sometimes with

07:26
or you know I’m still not happy but when

07:29
you come around to it

07:31
again later when you say you know what I

07:32
don’t feel like we just said this I mean

07:34
literally minutes ago yeah right before

07:37
this bro right before this podcast we

07:38
had a few things that we still needed to

07:40
discuss and we had to circle back around

07:43
to it to really get to the bottom of

07:45
everything and make and we both felt

07:48
resolved right and that goes to the next

07:51
point we in that and the articles that

07:53
we read which was being patient that’s

07:55
really hard really hard right and I

07:59
loved how they set it in there no one is

08:02
perfect at communication no right so

08:05
there’s always gonna be missteps so

08:07
being patient and making sure that

08:10
you’re listening to what they’re saying

08:11
instead of planning what your perfect

08:14
response is going to be well yeah I

08:16
liked how it said that yeah it’s it

08:18
because a lot of times and I think maybe

08:20
we’re all guilty of that I know I am

08:22
guilty of that that as you’re talking to

08:26
me about something you know your

08:27
rebuttal I’m already see I’m already

08:30
planning like really great response back

08:32
but I’m really not listening to what

08:34
you’re saying so I thought that was a

08:36
really good point like that happens not

08:39
just in marriage relationships but I see

08:41
that happen at work with kids and

08:43
everything so they call that active

08:46
listening don’t they I know you hate

08:47
that I hate active listening but that’s

08:50
what it is

08:51
so what you’re saying let me tell you

08:55
what I think you said but the whole

08:57
point in in that is that you are

08:59
listening you’re trying to empathize

09:01
with what your spouse is telling you

09:04
instead of coming up with well she’s

09:07
wrong I’m going to prove that she’s

09:09
wrong with what I have to say exactly

09:11
and that’s where the you’re not going to

09:14
resolve anything with those attitudes

09:16
and that’s why sometimes you have to

09:18
circle back around to it

09:19
a second or third time because the first

09:21
time you both are we’re still yeah

09:24
you’re still in the in the debate yes

09:26
and so you’re not really seeking to

09:28
understand each other

09:30
nope and you have to come back around to

09:31
it later when you’re both completely

09:33
calm and you’re really wanting to move

09:36
past it to resolve it all right the next

09:43
one is to be intuitive yeah and I didn’t

09:46
really know when I saw that I was like

09:48
be intuitive what do they really mean by

09:50
that but I thought that that was

09:52
actually a really good one and I think

09:55
that we did terrible at this stuff this

09:56
week yeah we failed at being intuitive

09:59
this week right yeah meaning well her

10:04
her intuitiveness was oh we’re not

10:07
talking right now I can see whatever

10:09
we’re gonna say is not gonna go well yes

10:11
exactly and then when we did say

10:14
something to each other we weren’t

10:16
giving each other the benefit of the

10:17
doubt were we

10:18
no we were it’s just the opposite and

10:20
that’s being intuitive is meaning that

10:22
there’s more than words right when

10:26
you’re communicating Oh a lot more than

10:28
words a lot more than words so

10:31
understand the feeling behind what’s

10:33
being said try and read between the

10:36
lines in a good way no right because you

10:40
could read between the lines in the bad

10:41
way to write and make assumptions right

10:44
we can make the wrong assumptions and

10:47
yeah and give your your job give your

10:51
partner a benefit of the doubt what do

10:53
you really mean meaning

10:55
if you say something to me and I’m like

10:57
that was so offensive but I know your

11:00
heart I know you didn’t meet you know if

11:01
I really think about who you are and

11:03
what you just wanted to get across

11:05
to me you really weren’t trying to be

11:07
offensive but I but I didn’t be better

11:10
for the doubt right I took that

11:12
offensively instead of going you know

11:13
what I know he really meant it this way

11:15
well because I love you

11:16
right now what if you really did mean it

11:20
offensive well because sometimes we do

11:22
that I know when we’re we’re in the heat

11:23
of the moment we do do that oh maybe you

11:26
say that wasn’t very nice yeah yeah you

11:30
can see pointed out and most the time

11:32
yeah that wasn’t very nice right or we

11:34
just say you know what what you just

11:36
said hurt my feelings and that gives the

11:38
other person a chance right then and

11:40
there to say you know what that is not

11:42
what I meant

11:43
so maybe it is best cuz we actually had

11:45
a situation like this being where I hurt

11:48
your feelings

11:48
you didn’t tell me in the moment though

11:50
that I hurt your feelings so I didn’t

11:52
know I hurt your feelings right right so

11:54
maybe if you would have said that if you

11:57
could have said that in that moment then

11:59
I could have caused it right yeah I

12:01
could have shot right back and said you

12:03
know what that was this is what I really

12:04
meant yeah that was not my intention and

12:07
I’m you know I’m sorry that hurts your

12:10
feelings but this is what I meant and

12:12
maybe that would have changed everything

12:14
so man we have so much to learn don’t we

12:17
baby yeah we do it’s a really good thing

12:19
we’re doing this podcast I am glad we

12:21
were questioned whether you’re gonna do

12:22
it tonight or not all right next one be

12:26
accepting wait wait we have to go back

12:29
to being into a difference because we

12:32
did not talk about the one thing that is

12:34
said in that article about being

12:35
intuitive or you know you’re supposed to

12:37
read between the lines you’re supposed

12:38
to you know understand the feeling and

12:41
yeah and it says this is not an excuse

12:43
to twist the words of your partner yeah

12:46
being intuitive does not give you

12:48
oh can being intuitive so that means

12:50
they’re really saying this don’t twist

12:52
the words like what your intuitive yes

12:55
that goes into giving them the benefit

12:58
of the doubt the wrong way right right

13:00
because not everyone that’s the other

13:02
thing it’s said that not everyone’s a

13:03
great communicator

13:04
no it’s we’re not we’re not I mean not

13:09
everyone is and I think that you and I

13:11
are good communicators at certain times

13:13
but now when we’re heated no or grumpy

13:16
nope or tired or

13:19
or hungry we could go on yeah

13:22
or hangry or angry I think that’s right

13:27
just be accepting of me honey that’s the

13:29
next step that’s the next thing is be

13:31
accepting so oh so hard sometimes well

13:37
this all this all has to do about

13:39
judging others yes this one’s tough

13:43
because we want the best for each other

13:46
ultimately there’s gonna be times when I

13:48
say you know what you’re doing is not

13:51
the best of you so I am making a

13:54
judgment mm-hmm right so you’re gonna

13:58
feel judged and you’re gonna get

13:59
defensive some huh how do you do all of

14:05
that

14:05
that’s called patronizing no but if you

14:08
said that to me I would feel judged

14:10
well of course so how do you go about

14:12
being accepting of well there’s two

14:16
accepting ‘he’s here right there’s the

14:17
accepting of you are who you are

14:19
which is important but there’s also

14:21
accepting of receiving some kind of I’m

14:25
not gonna say criticism but some kind of

14:29
what’s the right word I don’t know I

14:32
don’t know but this section I think is

14:37
maybe the hardest section because yeah

14:40
it’s it’s a it’s a challenging one isn’t

14:41
it

14:42
because when you’re feeling judged by

14:45
your partner so if your partner’s I I

14:47
guess it’s all in the wording I guess

14:49
it’s how we say things right because I

14:52
think that’s part of it when you’re

14:54
coming across as feeling judged you just

14:57
want to shut down right yeah when I feel

15:00
the times that I feel have felt judged

15:02
by you I don’t know what done I’ve done

15:05
what this conversations over

15:07
right I’m sure you felt the same way

15:08
yeah I think you’re right you just want

15:09
to shut down and so I think it is

15:14
important that when I said be accepting

15:17
it said let your partner know that you

15:18
care for them and love them and that you

15:22
know it’s okay what it’s what you’re

15:25
gonna say it’s okay but maybe it’s not

15:26
okay it’s not that’s why it’s a hard one

15:29
for me that’s so it’s not criticism it’s

15:32
advice hi to you I don’t know I don’t

15:37
know I love you and care about you

15:39
dearly but stop picking your nose in

15:40
public that’s how you say it I don’t

15:45
know I don’t know I guess if your spouse

15:48
is doing that in public

15:49
you really should say you really should

15:50
say something but there are other things

15:53
that might be personality quirks that

15:55
ideally I mean you fell in love with in

15:58
the first place so I mean how do you yes

16:01
exactly and our marriage counselor

16:04
Caroline said this to us things that you

16:07
once thought were endearing and cute and

16:09
funny and quirky no I do crazy yeah

16:13
you’re annoyed with them now and so

16:15
maybe it’s be accepting of those kinds

16:17
of things but I think it was also

16:19
talking about if you have a spouse

16:22
that’s having a hard time communicating

16:23
with you because they’re scared of your

16:26
reaction right I mean he doesn’t even it

16:30
doesn’t even mean that it’s a huge thing

16:31
you’re about to say no it could be silly

16:33
it could be silly but you’re just you

16:35
know oh I don’t want to bring this up

16:36
kind of like we had that this week I

16:39
just don’t want to bring up this

16:40
conversation it’s gonna be a thing to

16:44
know that the other person is going you

16:46
know what I love you I care about you

16:47
you know go ahead and and bring me

16:50
whatever you got like we’ll work through

16:52
this you know that kind of thing I guess

16:54
so but that goes on to the last thing

16:56
which is being honest with each other

16:57
yes it leads right into it I mean

16:59
because if something is like blatantly

17:02
wrong with your spouse you want to tell

17:05
them so that they’re not embarrassed

17:07
later on right like what the pattern I

17:11
know is they’re picking the nose thing

17:12
okay just so are the our listener yeah

17:15
we don’t pick do that only in the car

17:18
when we’re driving stop it stop it right

17:21
now but you know what I mean there might

17:26
be something that I would want you to

17:28
tell me like if we’re at a business

17:30
dinner or something tell me either kick

17:33
me under the table and say shut up right

17:35
now you’re offending people at the table

17:36
or maybe afterwards say you know what

17:38
you got to go back and repair a

17:41
relationship that you might have

17:42
destroyed it dinner or

17:44
whatever I don’t know you know we have

17:46
done that before we have done that with

17:47
you I know you have done that with me I

17:50
know there was a time with my kids and

17:52
we’re gonna talk about this when we get

17:53
down to the kids section you felt like I

17:56
was talking too negatively about their

17:59
dad and you are squeezing my hand and

18:03
kind of punching me a little bit you

18:05
know in the leg I’m not punching what’s

18:07
happy sorry doesn’t mine great he

18:10
doesn’t punch Joe I don’t want to get me

18:12
letters or I don’t want the police at

18:14
the door but no like I mean you’ve

18:16
tapped me and I know that that’s what

18:17
you mean like hey you know knock it off

18:20
because we’re there to help each other

18:22
so right we want to be honest with each

18:23
other and accepting so maybe that maybe

18:26
those two are so tightly intertwined

18:27
yeah that we need to we need to consider

18:31
that of each other and not being

18:33
hypercritical but being giving advice or

18:37
counsel in the proper way

18:39
and they said through clarity love and

18:43
gentleness and this is hard this is a

18:45
very fine line right cuz no one wants to

18:48
feel criticized no one does right

18:52
no don’t especially I mean man if

18:55
another adult criticizes me or corrects

18:58
me or shushes me uh me if you want to

19:01
get paid really bad oh my gosh it’s just

19:03
me and I swear you’ve just made an enemy

19:05
so I I learned something when I don’t

19:09
know who would shush me yeah yes yes

19:11
you’re so quiet intended so when I wrote

19:14
my my first book and it went out to copy

19:17
right at it mm-hmm I remember getting it

19:19
back from the the publisher and man I

19:25
felt horrible about myself because it

19:28
was awful right right until I realized

19:31
and it took me a couple weeks until I

19:33
realized that the copyright editor was

19:36
trying to make my book the best that it

19:38
could be right

19:40
they weren’t harping on me it was this

19:43
was not a personal it was not a personal

19:45
attack it was helping me make a better

19:49
book so I could sell more right so I

19:51
think if we take that approach ourselves

19:53
when we are being helped by our

19:56
that they’re trying to help me be the

19:59
better part of who I am then that might

20:02
work out really well for us if we could

20:05
all adopt that thinking yes but that is

20:07
really hard that’s tough so tough

20:10
my advice to couples and this goes to

20:13
ourselves as well is okay here let’s

20:16
hear it well you’ve got to figure out

20:18
how you can talk to your spouse about

20:22
things like that I mean it’s this is

20:24
something between you and them this is

20:26
there’s not a you’ve got to work it out

20:28
yes you can’t feel like you have to walk

20:31
on eggshells all the time around your

20:32
spouse when there’s something that’s

20:34
bothering you that you need to talk to

20:35
them about that’s no way to live right

20:37
we’ve talked at the store eggshells is

20:39
no way to live so you have to figure out

20:41
between you and your spouse how you need

20:44
to communicate to get across something

20:47
that you need to talk to them about that

20:48
is kind of a criticism and it’s hard and

20:51
maybe you need to pray about it and you

20:54
know and and you want maybe the

20:56
conversation needs to start with I’m not

20:58
sure how to talk to you about this but

21:00
you know I think I feel like I need to

21:02
and I love you and I hope that you can

21:05
be you know understanding of what I can

21:10
say and I mean I love you and I’m not

21:13
trying to be critical but I really feel

21:15
like I need to talk to you about this so

21:16
maybe it needs to start that way I don’t

21:17
know maybe it depends on what do you

21:19
think honey had it was that how you

21:21
would want me to start it with you what

21:22
I just know no you could just tell me

21:26
most of the time you have to read my

21:27
mood and you’re right and that goes back

21:29
to the very first one on this list

21:32
timely right right timely some things

21:36
have to be timed just right you don’t

21:39
want to bring things up in the heat of

21:42
the moment or even when you’re sore when

21:45
other people around that’s all that’s

21:46
the worst you could do yes not what

21:49
other people around yeah but even if

21:51
you’ve had a bad day at work and you

21:53
come so you’re not upset with me or you

21:55
and I mean no but you have to be able to

21:57
read the situation you have to read the

21:58
situation

22:00
[Music]

22:06
okay now that we’ve completely figured

22:09
out our own marriage and how we

22:11
communicate really we just we just

22:13
figured it all out we’re just perfect

22:15
dad uh-huh so let’s talk about open

22:18
communication with our kids it turns out

22:21
a lot of those same things that we

22:22
talked about in our marriage being

22:25
timely flexible patient intuitive

22:27
accepting and honest work with our kids

22:30
as well that is true and yeah if we

22:36
talked about this before we start our

22:38
podcast this is this is a tough one but

22:40
if we don’t tell them things they fill

22:44
in the blanks right they fill in the

22:45
gaps

22:46
yeah they do so we have to make sure we

22:50
are sharing things with them but that’s

22:53
a tough one too because some things you

22:56
know if your if your ex doesn’t want you

22:58
to share something with them you know

23:00
then we can’t you know there’s some

23:02
perimeters on that right so let’s give

23:05
an example of what this is like probably

23:07
one of the hardest things is for our

23:09
youngest kids to know why their parents

23:11
divorced right so there is a time

23:14
timeliness in that now the older kids on

23:17
both sides kind of knew right because

23:21
they were old enough to see what

23:23
happened right in fact in our next

23:24
episode we’re going to talk about how to

23:26
communicate with the kids when you are

23:28
getting separated what we did what

23:30
worked for us what didn’t so catch our

23:32
next episode on that but let’s talk

23:35
specifically about Sam Sam was four when

23:38
five well four yeah yeah yeah yeah no

23:42
we’re not married but when we separated

23:44
yes every was three right almost four

23:47
yep so he had really no idea why you

23:50
guys were divorced he didn’t and we had

23:52
we never told him and when we took him

23:56
you and I took him to see a counselor

23:57
several years ago yeah when he was maybe

24:00
ten nine or ten nine or ten and the

24:03
counselor was like oh yeah you need to

24:05
tell him and I said so I went to talk to

24:08
Sam about as Sam didn’t want to know he

24:10
said I don’t want to know he he wanted

24:12
to keep everybody in there

24:13
little boxes that he had him in right

24:16
like superhero status and he didn’t want

24:19
anyone to be knocked down out of those

24:21
boxes so so we had to wait we waited we

24:25
waited and he still didn’t want to know

24:27
still didn’t want to know and I finally

24:29
just what was it just a couple months

24:31
ago I said Sam you need to know and I a

24:34
Sam’s 13 no 13 I took it actually out of

24:37
his control and I said you need to know

24:40
and it was because of one of our podcast

24:42
actually some things were going to be

24:44
revealed from his siblings it was the

24:46
episode that we had some of the older

24:49
kids on her on our podcast and so

24:51
because of some things that were going

24:52
to be said and we didn’t want to cut

24:55
those things out because it was

24:56
important that the kids say those things

24:57
if that’s what they wanted to say so I

25:00
took Sam aside before the airing of the

25:02
podcast and said this is why your dad

25:04
and I got divorced you know I need you

25:06
to know this what was fascinating when

25:08
we talked about it afterwards

25:10
Sam had already in his head developed a

25:13
whole story on why you guys got divorced

25:15
and it was wrong it was wrong and yes

25:19
so I corrected him and so maybe we

25:22
should have told him earlier maybe we

25:24
should have I don’t you know we’ll never

25:26
know me 20 and that’s the thing is you

25:28
don’t know you have to go with your gut

25:30
you have to go with you know talk with

25:33
your so now how about how that

25:34
conversation go did it go exactly how

25:36
you thought planned

25:37
did he clam up yes the same Moyes claims

25:40
up with feelings Sam if you’re listening

25:42
talk to me baby talk say there you go

25:45
let it go but so you had to be somewhat

25:49
flexible in working with him if you go

25:51
through this whole and intuitive right

25:54
yes and accepting yeah of him he could

25:58
have been really mad at you yeah for

26:00
telling him because he didn’t want to

26:02
know no and so he could have been upset

26:05
but he wasn’t upset he was just like

26:07
okay okay okay but it was time because

26:11
his his siblings have always known

26:13
because his siblings were older but it

26:16
was time that he he knew you know

26:19
exactly what had happened and and I

26:21
don’t know I I guess we could ask him I

26:23
haven’t asked him recently is he glad

26:25
that I told him I don’t know but it

26:27
doesn’t matter if he was glad or not it

26:29
needed to happen II to have because he

26:30
kept building on top of this story right

26:33
that he’d created and the the deeper

26:37
that story would become and be harder

26:39
for him to accept yeah I later so timely

26:44
is important especially when it has to

26:48
do with the kids and schedules and

26:50
things like that that are affecting them

26:51
in their daily lives right sometimes we

26:53
forget that our kids are being pulled

26:56
back and forth between two homes right

26:58
schedules especially around school are

27:00
very difficult and homework and and all

27:03
that stuff or communication we’re

27:05
getting from the school we need to over

27:07
communicate those sorts of things with

27:09
our kids don’t ever assume that your ex

27:12
is communicating those things with them

27:14
you need to be open about that we’ve

27:17
come up with some tricks to do that we

27:20
talked before about our Google Calendar

27:21
or shared Google Calendar that all the

27:23
kids have that both our exes have access

27:27
to and the kids and us have access to we

27:31
used to do a weekly sync meeting with

27:35
the kids so that they knew everything

27:37
that was happening that week yep and if

27:39
the schedule changed those are some just

27:42
tricks that we that we’ve used yep one

27:46
things with kids in mind don’t use the

27:49
kids to communicate with your ex that’s

27:51
really bad to say hey goat I need you to

27:54
tell your mom or I need you to tell you

27:56
about times have we done that I don’t

27:58
have we done that a lot oh yeah I guess

28:01
with inconsequential things you do

28:04
little things never with anything big no

28:06
that’s always putting them in the middle

28:09
yes so we we should stop doing that

28:11
yeah we have within I mean just little

28:13
things like Oh tell your mom that we

28:14
bought you those you tell your mom that

28:16
will take care of this or never anything

28:18
negative yeah but never never no no

28:20
never but we should even stop doing that

28:23
well yes indicate with her absolutely

28:25
because that’s putting them in the

28:26
middle yeah and even though yeah they’re

28:28
these little small things we should

28:29
definitely be communicating with the ex

28:32
oh another thing this happened to a

28:35
friend of me at work he grew up in a

28:38
divorced family and his mom would always

28:41
tell him tell your dad I need to check

28:44
by Thursday

28:45
could you imagine no that’s terrible

28:49
and you know this this guy he was like I

28:52
had so much disdain for my parents that

28:55
because they put me square in the middle

28:57
and then they would give me the cheque –

28:59
then hand to the other parent just awful

29:02
that happened one time with us I

29:04
remember one of your kids came in with a

29:06
check for something that your ex owed

29:08
you for and they hand it to you and and

29:12
we you you and your ex talked and agreed

29:15
that that is yeah that’s not that’s not

29:17
yeah that’s not a good idea so yeah I

29:19
don’t have your kids be the go-between

29:20
don’t have your K you know even though

29:22
it might be easier it’s not cool it’s

29:25
not cool even though you don’t maybe you

29:26
don’t want to communicate with your ex

29:28
too darn bad this is your mess

29:33
right as the adults it’s your mess don’t

29:36
keep you know making it the kids mess so

29:39
this week we’ve got to deal with it not

29:41
the kids we do and you know what we live

29:43
and we learn from that all right let’s

29:52
talk about open communication with our

29:54
exes okay obviously we did not do very

29:59
well with these people in our

30:01
relationships before or we would still

30:03
be married well that’s not necessarily

30:05
true but that I’m sure that was part of

30:08
it I’m sure that was a part of it you’re

30:10
right yes

30:10
but yeah that’s not that’s not

30:12
necessarily true so to say that and I’ve

30:15
heard people say this oh I’ll get

30:17
divorced and it’ll be better the

30:20
communication

30:21
no it’s won’t I always say to people

30:23
when they’re like oh but he’s this and

30:25
he’s that and he’s so this and I’m like

30:27
uh-huh and if you divorce him all those

30:30
negative things you just mentioned are

30:32
going to be times a thousand yeah and

30:36
communication is so much more difficult

30:39
when you’re ours oh yes because guess

30:41
what there is no giving each other the

30:43
benefit of the doubt

30:44
no get divorced especially for the first

30:46
several years yeah there isn’t so it’s

30:48
it’s difficult to do but you still have

30:51
to work on the timeliness the

30:53
flexibility

30:55
patience the intuitive the accepting and

30:58
being honest

30:59
these could be really hard when the

31:01
emotions are all tied up and and

31:03
difficult well and especially the be

31:07
flexible I feel like that is geared

31:10
right towards your ex because a lot of

31:12
times you go ok and you talk to you know

31:16
my ex about this and it goes completely

31:18
sideways right you know our

31:20
conversations that we think oh we’re

31:22
going to talk about this quick little

31:23
thing and why did they bring up

31:24
something for 20 years right yes I mean

31:27
so sometimes they can go complete the

31:29
conversations go completely sideways and

31:31
you’ve instead of getting all heated

31:34
about it stay calm be patient and try to

31:37
get it kind of back on track well and

31:39
also make sure that when you’re

31:40
communicating that you’re communicating

31:41
about the things that you need to yeah

31:45
things that aren’t important nope it’s

31:47
about the kids yep it’s not about their

31:50
current relationship nope it’s not about

31:52
their life it is about the kids yeah we

31:55
had to learn this yes and if you focus

31:57
just on that then you won’t get dragged

31:59
into conversations that are going

32:01
nowhere right I think what helped us is

32:04
in the beginning at first you were

32:07
looking at we we were told by someone

32:09
maybe it was a therapist I don’t

32:10
remember to kind of look at your

32:12
dealings with your ex as a business

32:14
business dealing write a business

32:16
transaction right keep emotion out of it

32:19
just do what you got to do and then over

32:21
time you can let your guard down a

32:24
little bit with you can’t add a little

32:26
emotion into it you don’t have to be so

32:28
cold but in the beginning when you’re

32:30
first divorced and trying to navigate

32:32
through it all look at it as a business

32:35
dealing stick to the facts yep focus on

32:37
the children and the communication you

32:39
have to do between these children now

32:41
another thing that is extremely

32:43
important when you’re dealing with

32:45
co-parenting is timeliness of

32:47
information yeah it could be withheld

32:51
sometimes and that can get you into a

32:53
lot of trouble in the courts but also in

32:55
with respect to your children they’ll

32:58
miss things though so you have to be

33:00
very timely on communicating doctor’s

33:04
appointments rehearsals school things

33:07
there

33:08
everything or even things that happen to

33:10
them there’s nothing that aggravates me

33:11
more than when I hear something from

33:14
from like one of our friends about one

33:16
of our kids and I’m like oh yeah that

33:20
just you know it makes us feel

33:21
inconsequential like wow these people

33:24
knew about it before we did and that

33:27
doesn’t make anyone feel good no it

33:28
doesn’t so you know communicate

33:31
communicate communicate even if you’re

33:33
not in a good spot like I said just the

33:35
facts and you know what you and your ex

33:37
actually used to do this oh really

33:40
the yeah they’re your kind of mediation

33:43
therapist co-parent yeah co-parenting

33:46
therapist she required you to send in a

33:49
weekly email to each other yeah on how

33:51
the kids are doing yeah and what

33:52
happened that week and even just little

33:54
things like oh you know so-and-so got

33:56
upset about this and and it was very

33:58
informative and it was just the facts it

34:01
was just the facts just the fact that

34:02
you guys actually worked out pretty good

34:03
and email communication is probably the

34:05
most effective yes we found right right

34:08
calling you know the only time I call is

34:12
if there’s an emergency or we need

34:13
something right away right it’s very

34:15
rare it’s very rare it’s best to

34:17
communicate via email yep because you

34:20
have the ability to think about it

34:22
before you hit Send yeah definitely

34:24
right definitely

34:25
and lastly remember you are no longer

34:29
married and respect boundaries right

34:32
absolutely respect those boundaries

34:34
you’re not married so it goes both ways

34:36
you don’t have to take any garbage being

34:38
thrown at you anymore and you should not

34:40
throw garbage and you should not throw

34:41
garbage so it goes both ways

34:43
[Music]

34:51
all right we decided to get rid of the

34:53
phony moment of the week because most of

34:55
our funny moments were actually what we

34:57
would call lemonade moments of the week

34:58
where things didn’t quite go the way we

35:00
expected and we found something good out

35:02
of it okay

35:04
so this week I’m so nervous right now

35:07
yeah you should be nervous right now

35:10
all right this week we just had a rough

35:11
week with communication

35:13
so not a great we got lemons this week

35:16
yes but I think you guys are all great

35:20
this has been a good podcast it’s been

35:22
great for us to talk about these things

35:23
it’s improving our communication

35:26
oh so the lemonade is our podcast

35:28
illuminators our podcast right yeah so

35:30
from now on it’s a lemonade moment of

35:32
the week and I hope you guys enjoyed

35:34
this podcast babe I love you I love you

35:37
too if you liked today’s episode give us

35:47
five stars on iTunes Spotify Google and

35:50
head to Facebook and like us and check

35:53
out our blog at where’s the lemonade org

35:56
where you can leave questions and

35:58
comments yeah but most of all go out and

36:01
make some lemonade you bet you baby

36:05
[Music]

36:10
on our next episode

36:13
it’s our divorce dog episode how do we

36:16
navigate our kids through separation

36:19
[Music]

36:20
take them to

36:24
[Music]

36:35
you

darrenpulsipher

Founder of Yoly Inc. Helping people get socially centered all over the internet.

View all posts

Add comment

Leave a Reply

Latest Episode

Latest Episode