Open communication is important to any relationship. Don’t mistake open communication for transparency like we did. Transparency is about visibility, open communication is more about how, when and where you communicate. In this episode find out how Darren & Paige muddle through their journey to open communication in their marriage.
Listen to the Episode
In Marriage
Be Timely
(Don’t put it off, but make sure it is an appropriate time), Pick the right time.
Not when you are too angry.
Read the room for the mood.
Be Flexible
Conversations don’t always go as planned.
Don’t get attached to the way you planned the conversation, you will be disappointed in the direction it takes.
Move with the dialog. Bend with it and work with the direction it is going.
Be Patient
No one communicates perfectly.
Listen to what they are saying instead of planning your perfect response.
Be Intuitive
There are more than words when you are communicating.
Listen to understand the feeling behind it.
This is not an excuse to twist the words of your partner.
Read between the lines in a good way, not a bad way. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Not everyone is a good communicator.
Be Accepting
Hard to communicate when you are filled with judgment.
Let your partner know that you care and love them.
When you are feeling judged you just want to shut down.
Be Honest
Honesty is one of the most important aspects.
Clarity, love, and gentleness
Don’t dodge the truth for fear on how it will be perceived, you will build bigger walls.
Take responsibility, you are in control of the way you communicate with your partner.
You cannot control how your spouse communicates. You control yourself, but hopefully, in time they will reciprocate your communication style.
With the Kids
Why is Open Communication is important for our kids?
If we don’t tell them things they make it up. They fill in the gaps, which can be far worse than reality.
Example of Sam finding out why his parents got divorced.
Timely
Respect of everyone else involved.
Make sure your kids know the custody schedules and any changes to the schedule.
We use a Google Calendar that they can see.
Use a weekly “sync” meeting with the kids to talk about weekly schedule and changes.
Don’t use the kids to communicate with your Ex!!!
With your Exes
Be flexible with communication with your Ex
Many marriages end because you could not communicate effectively in the past.
Divorce does not fix communication problems. It makes it 100x worse.
Move with the dialog, bend with communication. Don’t be on the defensive.
Be timely with communication with respect to children’s well being. Try and keep emotion out of it.
Remember you are no longer married and you respect boundaries and timeliness
Lemonade Moment of the Week
Darren and Paige learn from this episode about their own communication patterns and make changes to improve.
Transcript
Transcript
00:08
hello this is Darren and this is page
00:10
and this is where’s the lemonade where
00:13
we talked about what happens when life
00:15
throws you lemons make some lemonade
00:17
maybe some weeks it’s lemons worse yeah
00:21
lemons on today’s episode we’re gonna
00:27
talk about open communication in our
00:29
marriage and with our kids in our exes
00:32
sounds great in one of our previous
00:34
episodes we talked about transparency
00:37
and but today we’re gonna talk about
00:39
open communication yeah which is really
00:43
important in a marriage especially in a
00:46
second marriage especially in all
00:49
marriages open communication is super
00:51
important so how is transparency
00:53
different than open communication well
00:57
because we questioned whether we want to
00:59
do this episode or not we did we really
01:01
did transparency is being transparent
01:05
with social media and passwords and
01:09
email right being willing to be
01:11
completely open to your spouse and say
01:15
hey you are welcome to look at anything
01:18
that I’m looking at so that kind of
01:21
transparency and then open communication
01:24
is actually talking with each other
01:27
about situations about everything openly
01:31
so hopefully I think that’s the
01:32
difference right yeah I think so and in
01:35
the Articles that we read about this we
01:36
did quite a bit of research on this and
01:38
we found some really good advice on how
01:41
to establish open communication with
01:43
your spouse yeah we did so you want to
01:47
dive right into it let’s dive right in
01:48
okay so the first bullet point that this
01:54
article that we read had said be timely
01:58
all right so I thought be timely when
02:01
you read this to me I thought oh so when
02:04
something comes up just talk about it
02:05
right and that’s actually not what it
02:08
means which that validates me huh yeah
02:11
it does it’s it I guess it’s a typic
02:13
man thing right I see a problem let’s
02:16
talk about it yeah so be timely meaning
02:19
time when you’re going to talk about
02:22
hard things it’s not always appropriate
02:26
I mean you got to pick the right time
02:28
you have to pick the right time if you
02:30
pick the right time so it might not be
02:32
right that second you may need to calm
02:34
down you may need to think about what
02:36
you how you want to say something so
02:39
don’t put things off yeah that was the
02:42
other thing too yeah don’t put them off
02:44
just because you’re afraid to talk about
02:47
it right because we do that yeah I think
02:49
everyone does up yeah we do that but
02:51
make sure it’s the right time not a
02:54
month later or a year later we’re
02:56
talking you know hours or a day or if
02:58
you’ve really got so can you think of an
03:00
example where we put things off were you
03:02
and I yeah hmm may have to cut that
03:08
stuff I was gonna say why you asked me
03:10
that I don’t know honey can you think of
03:14
anything maybe we’re in dealing with the
03:16
kids in some respects we put things off
03:19
that you and I needed to talk about
03:20
whether it was discipline of the kids or
03:23
you know things I think we tread lightly
03:26
sometimes on that even with our adult
03:28
kids talking about our adult kids well
03:31
yeah and I think sometimes in fact just
03:33
this week we had a little bit of a rough
03:37
week with our relationship just with
03:39
getting along with each other when she
03:42
say yeah I think so we did we had we had
03:44
a rough week and we did put some things
03:47
off I had things that I wanted to maybe
03:49
talk to you about but I didn’t know so
03:52
you know I don’t want to get into it
03:53
right now and then it was just brewed it
03:55
brewed it brewed and then it’s been a
03:57
couple days and I’ve been brewing about
03:59
it the whole time and yeah so that way I
04:01
was putting it off because I was like oh
04:03
we’re gonna you know it’s gonna be a
04:04
thing we’re gonna have this discussion
04:07
but it just festered yes and while it
04:10
was festering I was just getting
04:13
irritated at everything right yeah and I
04:17
and I’m oblivious I had no idea what was
04:19
going on well you knew that I was
04:20
irritating I knew that your ear dude I
04:22
thought it was I breathing too heavy yes
04:26
so I think I think that’s a good point I
04:29
mean sometimes when we hold on to
04:30
something that we really want to talk to
04:32
our spouse about then it exacerbates
04:35
everything else that’s going on totally
04:38
agree because we just did it just this
04:41
week but yeah you’re right it was
04:43
brewing and simmering because I was you
04:46
know putting off I don’t wanna have this
04:47
conversation it’s gonna be a thing and
04:50
everything was irritating me where if we
04:53
maybe just sort of had the conversation
04:54
to begin with maybe it wouldn’t have
04:56
been that kind of week what do you think
04:57
yeah I think so it’s good we’re doing
04:59
this podcast but they’re learning so
05:01
much right now you’re learning a lot
05:03
alright the next thing is to be flexible
05:06
yeah yeah this one I thought you when
05:09
you read this one you goes oh this is
05:11
women completely but I think men have a
05:13
good play in this too really because I I
05:15
feel like this is this is women that so
05:19
be flexible meaning conversations aren’t
05:22
gonna go always as you plan now I think
05:25
women especially I don’t know I’m not a
05:27
man so I don’t know but I think that we
05:30
I’m glad you’re not a man I know I know
05:32
aren’t you glad I we get in our mind how
05:36
we think I’m gonna say something to you
05:38
and you’re gonna say this back to me and
05:39
I’m gonna say this back to you and
05:40
you’re gonna say so I mean and then it’s
05:42
gonna be done everything’s gonna be
05:43
great like we have it planned out how we
05:46
want the conversation to go I remember
05:47
when we first got married that was a
05:49
problem because you you had a way that
05:52
the conversation was gonna go and if I
05:54
didn’t follow the script that was in
05:55
your head then you got a hard time
05:58
recovering from that yeah yeah yeah the
06:01
beginning of our marriage right we’ve
06:03
gotten both much better with flexibility
06:06
yeah so it’s just the ability to read
06:09
the dialogue and read what’s going on
06:12
and not plan every single step of your
06:15
conversation out because we are dealing
06:18
with two people when we’re conversing
06:19
well I think it’s important you can plan
06:21
out what you want to say but don’t plan
06:24
out what you think that your spouse’s
06:27
response is going to be right absolutely
06:31
yes because I think that’s where we get
06:33
in trouble cuz all Senor you didn’t
06:34
respond back the way I wanted you to
06:38
going wait a second that is not the
06:40
direction I thought this was gonna go at
06:42
and then I for me I’m kind of thrown off
06:47
completely and yeah the horizon yeah so
06:50
remember the whole point of
06:52
communicating is getting your point
06:55
across or your feelings across not
06:58
necessarily you can’t judge what the
07:00
outcome is going to be just that you’re
07:02
trying to communicate what’s going on
07:05
right right right so you may not get the
07:08
validation that you want no and that
07:09
really stinks – yeah it does and a lot
07:13
of times I would say like with this week
07:15
with us and as we’ve talked as we’ve
07:17
talked through these things you get the
07:19
validation later even in your first
07:21
attempt at the conversation you’re gonna
07:23
have you still walk away sometimes with
07:26
or you know I’m still not happy but when
07:31
again later when you say you know what I
07:32
don’t feel like we just said this I mean
07:34
literally minutes ago yeah right before
07:37
this bro right before this podcast we
07:38
had a few things that we still needed to
07:40
discuss and we had to circle back around
07:43
to it to really get to the bottom of
07:45
everything and make and we both felt
07:48
resolved right and that goes to the next
07:51
point we in that and the articles that
07:53
we read which was being patient that’s
07:55
really hard really hard right and I
07:59
loved how they set it in there no one is
08:02
perfect at communication no right so
08:05
there’s always gonna be missteps so
08:07
being patient and making sure that
08:10
you’re listening to what they’re saying
08:11
instead of planning what your perfect
08:14
response is going to be well yeah I
08:16
liked how it said that yeah it’s it
08:18
because a lot of times and I think maybe
08:20
we’re all guilty of that I know I am
08:22
guilty of that that as you’re talking to
08:26
me about something you know your
08:27
rebuttal I’m already see I’m already
08:30
planning like really great response back
08:32
but I’m really not listening to what
08:34
you’re saying so I thought that was a
08:36
really good point like that happens not
08:39
just in marriage relationships but I see
08:41
that happen at work with kids and
08:43
everything so they call that active
08:46
listening don’t they I know you hate
08:47
that I hate active listening but that’s
08:51
so what you’re saying let me tell you
08:55
what I think you said but the whole
08:57
point in in that is that you are
08:59
listening you’re trying to empathize
09:01
with what your spouse is telling you
09:04
instead of coming up with well she’s
09:07
wrong I’m going to prove that she’s
09:09
wrong with what I have to say exactly
09:11
and that’s where the you’re not going to
09:14
resolve anything with those attitudes
09:16
and that’s why sometimes you have to
09:19
a second or third time because the first
09:21
time you both are we’re still yeah
09:24
you’re still in the in the debate yes
09:26
and so you’re not really seeking to
09:30
nope and you have to come back around to
09:31
it later when you’re both completely
09:33
calm and you’re really wanting to move
09:36
past it to resolve it all right the next
09:43
one is to be intuitive yeah and I didn’t
09:46
really know when I saw that I was like
09:48
be intuitive what do they really mean by
09:50
that but I thought that that was
09:52
actually a really good one and I think
09:55
that we did terrible at this stuff this
09:56
week yeah we failed at being intuitive
09:59
this week right yeah meaning well her
10:04
her intuitiveness was oh we’re not
10:07
talking right now I can see whatever
10:09
we’re gonna say is not gonna go well yes
10:11
exactly and then when we did say
10:14
something to each other we weren’t
10:16
giving each other the benefit of the
10:18
no we were it’s just the opposite and
10:20
that’s being intuitive is meaning that
10:22
there’s more than words right when
10:26
you’re communicating Oh a lot more than
10:28
words a lot more than words so
10:31
understand the feeling behind what’s
10:33
being said try and read between the
10:36
lines in a good way no right because you
10:40
could read between the lines in the bad
10:41
way to write and make assumptions right
10:44
we can make the wrong assumptions and
10:47
yeah and give your your job give your
10:51
partner a benefit of the doubt what do
10:55
if you say something to me and I’m like
10:57
that was so offensive but I know your
11:00
heart I know you didn’t meet you know if
11:01
I really think about who you are and
11:03
what you just wanted to get across
11:05
to me you really weren’t trying to be
11:07
offensive but I but I didn’t be better
11:10
for the doubt right I took that
11:12
offensively instead of going you know
11:13
what I know he really meant it this way
11:16
right now what if you really did mean it
11:20
offensive well because sometimes we do
11:22
that I know when we’re we’re in the heat
11:23
of the moment we do do that oh maybe you
11:26
say that wasn’t very nice yeah yeah you
11:30
can see pointed out and most the time
11:32
yeah that wasn’t very nice right or we
11:34
just say you know what what you just
11:36
said hurt my feelings and that gives the
11:38
other person a chance right then and
11:40
there to say you know what that is not
11:43
so maybe it is best cuz we actually had
11:45
a situation like this being where I hurt
11:48
you didn’t tell me in the moment though
11:50
that I hurt your feelings so I didn’t
11:52
know I hurt your feelings right right so
11:54
maybe if you would have said that if you
11:57
could have said that in that moment then
11:59
I could have caused it right yeah I
12:01
could have shot right back and said you
12:03
know what that was this is what I really
12:04
meant yeah that was not my intention and
12:07
I’m you know I’m sorry that hurts your
12:10
feelings but this is what I meant and
12:12
maybe that would have changed everything
12:14
so man we have so much to learn don’t we
12:17
baby yeah we do it’s a really good thing
12:19
we’re doing this podcast I am glad we
12:21
were questioned whether you’re gonna do
12:22
it tonight or not all right next one be
12:26
accepting wait wait we have to go back
12:29
to being into a difference because we
12:32
did not talk about the one thing that is
12:34
said in that article about being
12:35
intuitive or you know you’re supposed to
12:37
read between the lines you’re supposed
12:38
to you know understand the feeling and
12:41
yeah and it says this is not an excuse
12:43
to twist the words of your partner yeah
12:46
being intuitive does not give you
12:48
oh can being intuitive so that means
12:50
they’re really saying this don’t twist
12:52
the words like what your intuitive yes
12:55
that goes into giving them the benefit
12:58
of the doubt the wrong way right right
13:00
because not everyone that’s the other
13:02
thing it’s said that not everyone’s a
13:04
no it’s we’re not we’re not I mean not
13:09
everyone is and I think that you and I
13:11
are good communicators at certain times
13:13
but now when we’re heated no or grumpy
13:19
or hungry we could go on yeah
13:22
or hangry or angry I think that’s right
13:27
just be accepting of me honey that’s the
13:29
next step that’s the next thing is be
13:31
accepting so oh so hard sometimes well
13:37
this all this all has to do about
13:39
judging others yes this one’s tough
13:43
because we want the best for each other
13:46
ultimately there’s gonna be times when I
13:48
say you know what you’re doing is not
13:51
the best of you so I am making a
13:54
judgment mm-hmm right so you’re gonna
13:58
feel judged and you’re gonna get
13:59
defensive some huh how do you do all of
14:05
that’s called patronizing no but if you
14:08
said that to me I would feel judged
14:10
well of course so how do you go about
14:12
being accepting of well there’s two
14:16
accepting ‘he’s here right there’s the
14:17
accepting of you are who you are
14:19
which is important but there’s also
14:21
accepting of receiving some kind of I’m
14:25
not gonna say criticism but some kind of
14:29
what’s the right word I don’t know I
14:32
don’t know but this section I think is
14:37
maybe the hardest section because yeah
14:40
it’s it’s a it’s a challenging one isn’t
14:42
because when you’re feeling judged by
14:45
your partner so if your partner’s I I
14:47
guess it’s all in the wording I guess
14:49
it’s how we say things right because I
14:52
think that’s part of it when you’re
14:54
coming across as feeling judged you just
14:57
want to shut down right yeah when I feel
15:00
the times that I feel have felt judged
15:02
by you I don’t know what done I’ve done
15:05
what this conversations over
15:07
right I’m sure you felt the same way
15:08
yeah I think you’re right you just want
15:09
to shut down and so I think it is
15:14
important that when I said be accepting
15:17
it said let your partner know that you
15:18
care for them and love them and that you
15:22
know it’s okay what it’s what you’re
15:25
gonna say it’s okay but maybe it’s not
15:26
okay it’s not that’s why it’s a hard one
15:29
for me that’s so it’s not criticism it’s
15:32
advice hi to you I don’t know I don’t
15:37
know I love you and care about you
15:39
dearly but stop picking your nose in
15:40
public that’s how you say it I don’t
15:45
know I don’t know I guess if your spouse
15:49
you really should say you really should
15:50
say something but there are other things
15:53
that might be personality quirks that
15:55
ideally I mean you fell in love with in
15:58
the first place so I mean how do you yes
16:01
exactly and our marriage counselor
16:04
Caroline said this to us things that you
16:07
once thought were endearing and cute and
16:09
funny and quirky no I do crazy yeah
16:13
you’re annoyed with them now and so
16:15
maybe it’s be accepting of those kinds
16:17
of things but I think it was also
16:19
talking about if you have a spouse
16:22
that’s having a hard time communicating
16:23
with you because they’re scared of your
16:26
reaction right I mean he doesn’t even it
16:30
doesn’t even mean that it’s a huge thing
16:31
you’re about to say no it could be silly
16:33
it could be silly but you’re just you
16:35
know oh I don’t want to bring this up
16:36
kind of like we had that this week I
16:39
just don’t want to bring up this
16:40
conversation it’s gonna be a thing to
16:44
know that the other person is going you
16:46
know what I love you I care about you
16:47
you know go ahead and and bring me
16:50
whatever you got like we’ll work through
16:52
this you know that kind of thing I guess
16:54
so but that goes on to the last thing
16:56
which is being honest with each other
16:57
yes it leads right into it I mean
16:59
because if something is like blatantly
17:02
wrong with your spouse you want to tell
17:05
them so that they’re not embarrassed
17:07
later on right like what the pattern I
17:11
know is they’re picking the nose thing
17:12
okay just so are the our listener yeah
17:15
we don’t pick do that only in the car
17:18
when we’re driving stop it stop it right
17:21
now but you know what I mean there might
17:26
be something that I would want you to
17:28
tell me like if we’re at a business
17:30
dinner or something tell me either kick
17:33
me under the table and say shut up right
17:35
now you’re offending people at the table
17:36
or maybe afterwards say you know what
17:38
you got to go back and repair a
17:41
relationship that you might have
17:44
whatever I don’t know you know we have
17:46
done that before we have done that with
17:47
you I know you have done that with me I
17:50
know there was a time with my kids and
17:52
we’re gonna talk about this when we get
17:53
down to the kids section you felt like I
17:56
was talking too negatively about their
17:59
dad and you are squeezing my hand and
18:03
kind of punching me a little bit you
18:05
know in the leg I’m not punching what’s
18:07
happy sorry doesn’t mine great he
18:10
doesn’t punch Joe I don’t want to get me
18:12
letters or I don’t want the police at
18:14
the door but no like I mean you’ve
18:16
tapped me and I know that that’s what
18:17
you mean like hey you know knock it off
18:20
because we’re there to help each other
18:22
so right we want to be honest with each
18:23
other and accepting so maybe that maybe
18:26
those two are so tightly intertwined
18:27
yeah that we need to we need to consider
18:31
that of each other and not being
18:33
hypercritical but being giving advice or
18:37
counsel in the proper way
18:39
and they said through clarity love and
18:43
gentleness and this is hard this is a
18:45
very fine line right cuz no one wants to
18:48
feel criticized no one does right
18:52
no don’t especially I mean man if
18:55
another adult criticizes me or corrects
18:58
me or shushes me uh me if you want to
19:01
get paid really bad oh my gosh it’s just
19:03
me and I swear you’ve just made an enemy
19:05
so I I learned something when I don’t
19:09
know who would shush me yeah yes yes
19:11
you’re so quiet intended so when I wrote
19:14
my my first book and it went out to copy
19:17
right at it mm-hmm I remember getting it
19:19
back from the the publisher and man I
19:25
felt horrible about myself because it
19:28
was awful right right until I realized
19:31
and it took me a couple weeks until I
19:33
realized that the copyright editor was
19:36
trying to make my book the best that it
19:40
they weren’t harping on me it was this
19:43
was not a personal it was not a personal
19:45
attack it was helping me make a better
19:49
book so I could sell more right so I
19:51
think if we take that approach ourselves
19:53
when we are being helped by our
19:56
that they’re trying to help me be the
19:59
better part of who I am then that might
20:02
work out really well for us if we could
20:05
all adopt that thinking yes but that is
20:07
really hard that’s tough so tough
20:10
my advice to couples and this goes to
20:13
ourselves as well is okay here let’s
20:16
hear it well you’ve got to figure out
20:18
how you can talk to your spouse about
20:22
things like that I mean it’s this is
20:24
something between you and them this is
20:26
there’s not a you’ve got to work it out
20:28
yes you can’t feel like you have to walk
20:31
on eggshells all the time around your
20:32
spouse when there’s something that’s
20:34
bothering you that you need to talk to
20:35
them about that’s no way to live right
20:37
we’ve talked at the store eggshells is
20:39
no way to live so you have to figure out
20:41
between you and your spouse how you need
20:44
to communicate to get across something
20:47
that you need to talk to them about that
20:48
is kind of a criticism and it’s hard and
20:51
maybe you need to pray about it and you
20:54
know and and you want maybe the
20:56
conversation needs to start with I’m not
20:58
sure how to talk to you about this but
21:00
you know I think I feel like I need to
21:02
and I love you and I hope that you can
21:05
be you know understanding of what I can
21:10
say and I mean I love you and I’m not
21:13
trying to be critical but I really feel
21:15
like I need to talk to you about this so
21:16
maybe it needs to start that way I don’t
21:17
know maybe it depends on what do you
21:19
think honey had it was that how you
21:21
would want me to start it with you what
21:22
I just know no you could just tell me
21:26
most of the time you have to read my
21:27
mood and you’re right and that goes back
21:29
to the very first one on this list
21:32
timely right right timely some things
21:36
have to be timed just right you don’t
21:39
want to bring things up in the heat of
21:42
the moment or even when you’re sore when
21:45
other people around that’s all that’s
21:46
the worst you could do yes not what
21:49
other people around yeah but even if
21:51
you’ve had a bad day at work and you
21:53
come so you’re not upset with me or you
21:55
and I mean no but you have to be able to
21:57
read the situation you have to read the
22:06
okay now that we’ve completely figured
22:09
out our own marriage and how we
22:11
communicate really we just we just
22:13
figured it all out we’re just perfect
22:15
dad uh-huh so let’s talk about open
22:18
communication with our kids it turns out
22:21
a lot of those same things that we
22:22
talked about in our marriage being
22:25
timely flexible patient intuitive
22:27
accepting and honest work with our kids
22:30
as well that is true and yeah if we
22:36
talked about this before we start our
22:38
podcast this is this is a tough one but
22:40
if we don’t tell them things they fill
22:44
in the blanks right they fill in the
22:46
yeah they do so we have to make sure we
22:50
are sharing things with them but that’s
22:53
a tough one too because some things you
22:56
know if your if your ex doesn’t want you
22:58
to share something with them you know
23:00
then we can’t you know there’s some
23:02
perimeters on that right so let’s give
23:05
an example of what this is like probably
23:07
one of the hardest things is for our
23:09
youngest kids to know why their parents
23:11
divorced right so there is a time
23:14
timeliness in that now the older kids on
23:17
both sides kind of knew right because
23:21
they were old enough to see what
23:23
happened right in fact in our next
23:24
episode we’re going to talk about how to
23:26
communicate with the kids when you are
23:28
getting separated what we did what
23:30
worked for us what didn’t so catch our
23:32
next episode on that but let’s talk
23:35
specifically about Sam Sam was four when
23:38
five well four yeah yeah yeah yeah no
23:42
we’re not married but when we separated
23:44
yes every was three right almost four
23:47
yep so he had really no idea why you
23:50
guys were divorced he didn’t and we had
23:52
we never told him and when we took him
23:56
you and I took him to see a counselor
23:57
several years ago yeah when he was maybe
24:00
ten nine or ten nine or ten and the
24:03
counselor was like oh yeah you need to
24:05
tell him and I said so I went to talk to
24:08
Sam about as Sam didn’t want to know he
24:10
said I don’t want to know he he wanted
24:12
to keep everybody in there
24:13
little boxes that he had him in right
24:16
like superhero status and he didn’t want
24:19
anyone to be knocked down out of those
24:21
boxes so so we had to wait we waited we
24:25
waited and he still didn’t want to know
24:27
still didn’t want to know and I finally
24:29
just what was it just a couple months
24:31
ago I said Sam you need to know and I a
24:34
Sam’s 13 no 13 I took it actually out of
24:37
his control and I said you need to know
24:40
and it was because of one of our podcast
24:42
actually some things were going to be
24:44
revealed from his siblings it was the
24:46
episode that we had some of the older
24:49
kids on her on our podcast and so
24:51
because of some things that were going
24:52
to be said and we didn’t want to cut
24:55
those things out because it was
24:56
important that the kids say those things
24:57
if that’s what they wanted to say so I
25:00
took Sam aside before the airing of the
25:02
podcast and said this is why your dad
25:04
and I got divorced you know I need you
25:06
to know this what was fascinating when
25:08
we talked about it afterwards
25:10
Sam had already in his head developed a
25:13
whole story on why you guys got divorced
25:15
and it was wrong it was wrong and yes
25:19
so I corrected him and so maybe we
25:22
should have told him earlier maybe we
25:24
should have I don’t you know we’ll never
25:26
know me 20 and that’s the thing is you
25:28
don’t know you have to go with your gut
25:30
you have to go with you know talk with
25:33
your so now how about how that
25:34
conversation go did it go exactly how
25:37
did he clam up yes the same Moyes claims
25:40
up with feelings Sam if you’re listening
25:42
talk to me baby talk say there you go
25:45
let it go but so you had to be somewhat
25:49
flexible in working with him if you go
25:51
through this whole and intuitive right
25:54
yes and accepting yeah of him he could
25:58
have been really mad at you yeah for
26:00
telling him because he didn’t want to
26:02
know no and so he could have been upset
26:05
but he wasn’t upset he was just like
26:07
okay okay okay but it was time because
26:11
his his siblings have always known
26:13
because his siblings were older but it
26:16
was time that he he knew you know
26:19
exactly what had happened and and I
26:21
don’t know I I guess we could ask him I
26:23
haven’t asked him recently is he glad
26:25
that I told him I don’t know but it
26:27
doesn’t matter if he was glad or not it
26:29
needed to happen II to have because he
26:30
kept building on top of this story right
26:33
that he’d created and the the deeper
26:37
that story would become and be harder
26:39
for him to accept yeah I later so timely
26:44
is important especially when it has to
26:48
do with the kids and schedules and
26:50
things like that that are affecting them
26:51
in their daily lives right sometimes we
26:53
forget that our kids are being pulled
26:56
back and forth between two homes right
26:58
schedules especially around school are
27:00
very difficult and homework and and all
27:03
that stuff or communication we’re
27:05
getting from the school we need to over
27:07
communicate those sorts of things with
27:09
our kids don’t ever assume that your ex
27:12
is communicating those things with them
27:14
you need to be open about that we’ve
27:17
come up with some tricks to do that we
27:20
talked before about our Google Calendar
27:21
or shared Google Calendar that all the
27:23
kids have that both our exes have access
27:27
to and the kids and us have access to we
27:31
used to do a weekly sync meeting with
27:35
the kids so that they knew everything
27:37
that was happening that week yep and if
27:39
the schedule changed those are some just
27:42
tricks that we that we’ve used yep one
27:46
things with kids in mind don’t use the
27:49
kids to communicate with your ex that’s
27:51
really bad to say hey goat I need you to
27:54
tell your mom or I need you to tell you
27:56
about times have we done that I don’t
27:58
have we done that a lot oh yeah I guess
28:01
with inconsequential things you do
28:04
little things never with anything big no
28:06
that’s always putting them in the middle
28:09
yes so we we should stop doing that
28:11
yeah we have within I mean just little
28:13
things like Oh tell your mom that we
28:14
bought you those you tell your mom that
28:16
will take care of this or never anything
28:18
negative yeah but never never no no
28:20
never but we should even stop doing that
28:23
well yes indicate with her absolutely
28:25
because that’s putting them in the
28:26
middle yeah and even though yeah they’re
28:28
these little small things we should
28:29
definitely be communicating with the ex
28:32
oh another thing this happened to a
28:35
friend of me at work he grew up in a
28:38
divorced family and his mom would always
28:41
tell him tell your dad I need to check
28:45
could you imagine no that’s terrible
28:49
and you know this this guy he was like I
28:52
had so much disdain for my parents that
28:55
because they put me square in the middle
28:57
and then they would give me the cheque –
28:59
then hand to the other parent just awful
29:02
that happened one time with us I
29:04
remember one of your kids came in with a
29:06
check for something that your ex owed
29:08
you for and they hand it to you and and
29:12
we you you and your ex talked and agreed
29:15
that that is yeah that’s not that’s not
29:17
yeah that’s not a good idea so yeah I
29:19
don’t have your kids be the go-between
29:20
don’t have your K you know even though
29:22
it might be easier it’s not cool it’s
29:25
not cool even though you don’t maybe you
29:26
don’t want to communicate with your ex
29:28
too darn bad this is your mess
29:33
right as the adults it’s your mess don’t
29:36
keep you know making it the kids mess so
29:39
this week we’ve got to deal with it not
29:41
the kids we do and you know what we live
29:43
and we learn from that all right let’s
29:52
talk about open communication with our
29:54
exes okay obviously we did not do very
29:59
well with these people in our
30:01
relationships before or we would still
30:03
be married well that’s not necessarily
30:05
true but that I’m sure that was part of
30:08
it I’m sure that was a part of it you’re
30:10
but yeah that’s not that’s not
30:12
necessarily true so to say that and I’ve
30:15
heard people say this oh I’ll get
30:17
divorced and it’ll be better the
30:21
no it’s won’t I always say to people
30:23
when they’re like oh but he’s this and
30:25
he’s that and he’s so this and I’m like
30:27
uh-huh and if you divorce him all those
30:30
negative things you just mentioned are
30:32
going to be times a thousand yeah and
30:36
communication is so much more difficult
30:39
when you’re ours oh yes because guess
30:41
what there is no giving each other the
30:44
no get divorced especially for the first
30:46
several years yeah there isn’t so it’s
30:48
it’s difficult to do but you still have
30:51
to work on the timeliness the
30:55
patience the intuitive the accepting and
30:59
these could be really hard when the
31:01
emotions are all tied up and and
31:03
difficult well and especially the be
31:07
flexible I feel like that is geared
31:10
right towards your ex because a lot of
31:12
times you go ok and you talk to you know
31:16
my ex about this and it goes completely
31:18
sideways right you know our
31:20
conversations that we think oh we’re
31:22
going to talk about this quick little
31:23
thing and why did they bring up
31:24
something for 20 years right yes I mean
31:27
so sometimes they can go complete the
31:29
conversations go completely sideways and
31:31
you’ve instead of getting all heated
31:34
about it stay calm be patient and try to
31:37
get it kind of back on track well and
31:39
also make sure that when you’re
31:40
communicating that you’re communicating
31:41
about the things that you need to yeah
31:45
things that aren’t important nope it’s
31:47
about the kids yep it’s not about their
31:50
current relationship nope it’s not about
31:52
their life it is about the kids yeah we
31:55
had to learn this yes and if you focus
31:57
just on that then you won’t get dragged
31:59
into conversations that are going
32:01
nowhere right I think what helped us is
32:04
in the beginning at first you were
32:07
looking at we we were told by someone
32:09
maybe it was a therapist I don’t
32:10
remember to kind of look at your
32:12
dealings with your ex as a business
32:14
business dealing write a business
32:16
transaction right keep emotion out of it
32:19
just do what you got to do and then over
32:21
time you can let your guard down a
32:24
little bit with you can’t add a little
32:26
emotion into it you don’t have to be so
32:28
cold but in the beginning when you’re
32:30
first divorced and trying to navigate
32:32
through it all look at it as a business
32:35
dealing stick to the facts yep focus on
32:37
the children and the communication you
32:39
have to do between these children now
32:41
another thing that is extremely
32:43
important when you’re dealing with
32:45
co-parenting is timeliness of
32:47
information yeah it could be withheld
32:51
sometimes and that can get you into a
32:53
lot of trouble in the courts but also in
32:55
with respect to your children they’ll
32:58
miss things though so you have to be
33:00
very timely on communicating doctor’s
33:04
appointments rehearsals school things
33:08
everything or even things that happen to
33:10
them there’s nothing that aggravates me
33:11
more than when I hear something from
33:14
from like one of our friends about one
33:16
of our kids and I’m like oh yeah that
33:20
just you know it makes us feel
33:21
inconsequential like wow these people
33:24
knew about it before we did and that
33:27
doesn’t make anyone feel good no it
33:28
doesn’t so you know communicate
33:31
communicate communicate even if you’re
33:33
not in a good spot like I said just the
33:35
facts and you know what you and your ex
33:37
actually used to do this oh really
33:40
the yeah they’re your kind of mediation
33:43
therapist co-parent yeah co-parenting
33:46
therapist she required you to send in a
33:49
weekly email to each other yeah on how
33:51
the kids are doing yeah and what
33:52
happened that week and even just little
33:54
things like oh you know so-and-so got
33:56
upset about this and and it was very
33:58
informative and it was just the facts it
34:01
was just the facts just the fact that
34:02
you guys actually worked out pretty good
34:03
and email communication is probably the
34:05
most effective yes we found right right
34:08
calling you know the only time I call is
34:12
if there’s an emergency or we need
34:13
something right away right it’s very
34:15
rare it’s very rare it’s best to
34:17
communicate via email yep because you
34:20
have the ability to think about it
34:22
before you hit Send yeah definitely
34:25
and lastly remember you are no longer
34:29
married and respect boundaries right
34:32
absolutely respect those boundaries
34:34
you’re not married so it goes both ways
34:36
you don’t have to take any garbage being
34:38
thrown at you anymore and you should not
34:40
throw garbage and you should not throw
34:41
garbage so it goes both ways
34:51
all right we decided to get rid of the
34:53
phony moment of the week because most of
34:55
our funny moments were actually what we
34:57
would call lemonade moments of the week
34:58
where things didn’t quite go the way we
35:00
expected and we found something good out
35:04
so this week I’m so nervous right now
35:07
yeah you should be nervous right now
35:10
all right this week we just had a rough
35:13
so not a great we got lemons this week
35:16
yes but I think you guys are all great
35:20
this has been a good podcast it’s been
35:22
great for us to talk about these things
35:23
it’s improving our communication
35:26
oh so the lemonade is our podcast
35:28
illuminators our podcast right yeah so
35:30
from now on it’s a lemonade moment of
35:32
the week and I hope you guys enjoyed
35:34
this podcast babe I love you I love you
35:37
too if you liked today’s episode give us
35:47
five stars on iTunes Spotify Google and
35:50
head to Facebook and like us and check
35:53
out our blog at where’s the lemonade org
35:56
where you can leave questions and
35:58
comments yeah but most of all go out and
36:01
make some lemonade you bet you baby
36:13
it’s our divorce dog episode how do we
36:16
navigate our kids through separation
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