One of the worst days in our lives was telling our kids we were getting divorced. Turns out it is also the worst day in the lives of our kids too. In this episode, we discuss how we navigated the tricky conversation that we had with our kids. Our approaches were very different but we found some common things that seemed to work, and some things that did not work so well.
Listen to the Episode Here
How to tell your kids your getting divorced
- Paige –
- Got no advice on how to talk to the kids.
- Spur of the moment. Decided that morning.
- Not all the kids were there. Just Jake and Rachel. Then she called Amanda.
- Sat down together and told the kids together.
- They told the kids the reason for the divorce.
- Separation for over a year.
- What would you have changed?
- Darren –
- Got advice from a marriage counselor on how to talk to the kids about the divorce.
- Planned how we were going to tell the kids for 4 months.
- In the meantime I purchased a house down the street from the house we were renting at the time.
- Told all of the kids at the same time.
- Did not tell the kids why we were getting divorced.
- Were legally separated for almost 5 months before telling the kids.
- All the kids were talking to counselors before the divorce. They all had someone to talk to.
- Tips
- BE CALM and not in a high emotional state. You need to make sure you are calm cool and collected.
- Plan out what you are going to say.
- Give the kids the opportunity to ask questions and time to.
What to do after you tell the kids
- Show the kids that something has changed. Where are people staying?
- Getting help for your kids. Someone to talk to.
- Try and set up a routine.
- Try and do fun things with them.
- Don’t get a dog! Everyone does.
- Being there for them.
Tips
- It’s about the children not about you. Don’t inject your anxiety into the situation.
- What is the plan for the day after you tell the kids?
- Are you still living in the same house?
- What logistics are there? Who pays for what?
- What do the kids think we could have done differently.
- Should you tell the kids why you got divorced?
Lemonade Moment of the Week
Darren & Paige take the kids to Hidden falls where they climb the falls and traverse through the river picking and eating blackberries. See the evidence of Darren climbing the falls last year.
Links
Transcript
[Music]
hello this is Darren and this is Paige
and this is where’s the lemonade where
we talked about what happens when life
throws you lemons make some lemonade
maybe some weeks it’s lemons worse
yeah some weeks it’s just lemons on
today’s episode we’re going to talk
about how to tell your kids about your
divorce or separation worst day ever if
the opening sounds a little gloom
because this is a pretty tough subject
it is doom and gloom
it is 2min gloom and we had no idea how
much it would be until we started
working on this episode yeah I mean even
when you and I were discussing it cuz we
thought oh this is gonna be a really
good episode which I did I think it is
gonna be a good episode but even you and
I we had to kind of go to our own
corners because it was getting we
weren’t getting angry with each other
it was just bringing back bad memories
yeah yeah it wasn’t we were we were
getting kind of irritable and not really
towards each other but just yeah it
brings up a lot of sadness it does and
at first we were gonna call this episode
divorce dog how to navigate your kids
through the separation but we didn’t get
past talking and preparing for just
talking to them about the separation
yeah so we decided that divorce dog is
gonna be a different episode exactly you
know we did some research online and we
also talked to our older kids oh that
was hard too it was very interesting it
was because everybody has a different
perspective of that day and of what
happened and of what was said depending
on their age their maturity their you
know what I mean like everyone had you
know took something different away I
mean we all took away the same thing our
families have now been divided yeah so I
guess our first advice to everyone is
don’t get divorced don’t do it
if there’s any possible way to save it
save it any any shred of any inkling
that you can stay together stay so
that’s our first advice that’s our first
vise our second advice is there’s no
perfect way to do this the way that you
did it is almost a complete opposite of
the way that that I handle it they’re so
different it’s amazing and you guys are
here the contrast between the two but
the end result with our children when we
talked to them was pretty much the same
they remember the day very well which
they always will as we do too and makes
them very sad it does so let’s first
talk about your your day that you told
your kids about the separation
mine was spur the moment not it wasn’t
just oh wow
my marriage is falling apart today and
you know it wasn’t that they’ve been
building for years I’ve been building
for years
and something happened that day that
kind of was the tip right that knocked
everything over the Jenga tower came
crumbling down
and I went I have to protect my family
and my kids and I’ve got to do what I
got to do so yes I I went to my husband
at the time and said you need to go and
he did not want to he begged and pleaded
and wanted to stay and I said nope you
know we need you to go so you can work
on yourself and then hopefully we can
you know resume being a family and that
was my hope that was my hope so yeah we
so it was for the moment we told the
kids that night I think actually that
afternoon it was a it was kind of spur
than what was not planned in advance it
was for the moment but it was it had
been a long time coming
yes very long time coming and it wasn’t
divorce that you guys were just doing a
pause separation yes nothing formal just
nope it was your dad’s moving out
– you know work on himself and hopefully
you know he’ll work on himself and be
able to come back that’s kind of how we
laid it out no mine was very different
than that right right when my ex-wife
and I sat down and talked to our kids
divorce papers that are even filed and
in the state of California it takes six
months after you file a divorce for it
to be finalized so we were already four
months into this our kids had no idea
because we were still living in the same
house
leapin in the same bed they had no clue
and when we talked to them it was final
it was the divorce will be final in six
weeks right so a very different right
there was still hope on my end where
your and it was this is done slam the
door right yeah so yeah really really
difficult so let’s talk about you said
that it was kind of spur of the moment
but it wasn’t really spur the moment cuz
you and your ex talked about how are we
gonna tell the kids yes we did that day
we talked about how we’re gonna tell the
kids yes we had not talked about it
before then but yes that day when I said
you got to go we did and so you sat down
and talked to him about it and what you
would say how did that how’d that go it
was me talking and like I said he didn’t
want to go so it was he was upset and
but I was just pretty adamant and you
said that your kids you know we’re
blindsided my kids are blindsided as
well they had no idea no idea this was
coming we kept it from them all these
years of you know turmoil that we’ve
been going through it had been kept from
them so you know I wanted yeah both of
all of our kids when we talked to him
today said that that they were all
blindsided yes and I don’t know that
there’s any other way to do it and my
kids even said that when I talked to my
two kids
you know Rachel even said I’m glad that
I had a really happy good childhood
until that day so if I would have let
them in on our marriage problems 10
years earlier you know I don’t know that
that would have been the right thing to
do I don’t know so you know you brought
up something interesting which i think
is a tip that will bring up again later
and that’s don’t involve your kids and
your marital strife right
yeah keep that keep it separate keep it
separate right is a good tip for us I
knew this was coming for four months
because my ex filed for the divorce and
so we actually did a lot of preparing
talked to our marriage counselor that we
had how are we going to talk to the kids
you know planned it all out so for me
because I’m a planner anyway I had a
plan everything was planned out I got as
much advice as I could on how do we talk
to the kids about this we even role
played which ended up with me mostly
talking yeah so I think that was similar
for both of our situations you did the
talking you did this and I did the
talking and yeah so so very different
the outcomes it turns out were were
different as well well now they’re
pretty much the same but mine was more
totality and yours was we’re gonna work
on this right which my kids said was
confusing right because they didn’t know
our mom and dad gonna get back together
or they not are they you know it was
confusing and we still had you know dad
came over for Thanksgiving and Christmas
and you know during this separation he
when I started working he would come
over and watch Sam while I was at work
and so he was at the house a lot they he
didn’t have a place he was just staying
out of friends or whatever so he didn’t
have a place for the kids to come so he
always came to our house and from for me
it was just the opposite I had bought a
house close to where we were renting
before down the street down the street
seven houses seven houses down that’s
right
mostly so the kids could see and to to
me I planned everything out so
everything was set up so when this
horrible day happened I was trying to
show the kids that there’s some
stability
dad’s right down the street he has a
house right the kids have a place to
stay right and mom’s still renting the
kids have a place to stay right close by
right so that’s that’s one of the other
differences are mine was totality and
also everything logistically was all
taken care of right emotionally that’s a
whole nother story right so yeah and
with me i sat down with Jake and Rachel
they were you know why didn’t you have
all the kids so amanda was at college
and sam was four and I thought that that
was too young to bring him into what we
were gonna talk to the other kids about
so we put him I think he was taking a
nap and we talked to Rachel and Jake
which I think they were 16 and 13
something like that or maybe even older
14 and 17 and sevens yeah something like
that
14 17 I think that’s right so yeah so we
talked to them the two of them and then
called Amanda later that evening but
they when I talk to them today I asked
them what we could have done differently
and you know when we asked our kids this
question we genuinely are looking for
honesty because we want to be able to be
helpful in this podcast and because we
can’t go back and change anything
you know no we can’t but maybe we can
help other couples that are going
through this really tough time right so
Rachel said it maybe it would have been
better for I did all the talking and my
ex did not and they said it might have
been better hurry and Jake said that it
might have been better if
my ex would have done some talking yeah
so it was more unified right it was this
they came out of this conversation that
we had mom is kicking dad out of the
house and so they were angry with me
yeah
and that was true I was asking him to
leave but they didn’t understand the
entirety of the situation and what was
going on no you guys also talked a
little bit about what was going on about
why we were gonna die why well you were
separated separate yes yes we did not
say divorce that day no um
where with with me and my kids it was
your mom and I are getting in divorce
and we’re not telling you why right
right you had talked about that with
your your therapist your counselor and
your ex and you guys had decided not to
tell them that day right yeah that’s
correct
no for for me it was a little bit
different we had Matthew off at college
and then we had the five younger kids at
home the youngest being David who was
about four when it happened three he was
through a year yeah yeah oh no I guess
Tamar for yeah he was Jeb for me right
and I actually flew Matthew out from
college to come to be with the family my
whole idea was it that the whole family
should be together for this horrible
moment yeah so mine was a little bit
different because it was the end of the
family right we knew it yes
yours was we’re on a pause to try and
save the family right exactly that mine
had already reached that at that point
right so a little bit different and the
kid said the same thing they wished that
it was more of a unified front with my
ex and myself I did most of the talking
right so that you know and the situation
as it is you can’t really change it but
that’s another good tip and that is that
you and your soon-to-be ex need to be
unified and talking to the kids together
when this happens yeah that is what Jake
said he said one of the things I think
you did right was
you and Dad together sat down with us
even though he didn’t do much of the
talking he said I think that that’s
important for both parents to be there
no matter what the situation might be if
you can try and come together for that
moment to tell your kids this news I
think that’s for the best
no is there anything that you guys did
to prepare the kids at all before this
happened no I guess not because it was
spur-of-the-moment but it really wasn’t
spur the moment though was it you kind
of knew things were well things have
been falling apart for 10 years
literally but I I’d never really thought
I was gonna have to get to the point or
we were gonna have to separate you know
I know I didn’t want that to happen so I
never really thought that all the way
through until that day literally Wow
yeah and then it was like nope I I’ve
got a I got to protect my family yeah so
for me it was protecting my family as
well but the the marriage was already
over right the paperwork had already
been filed so I actually had four well
six months to prepare for what was what
we had to tell the kids right so I went
into preparing mode right I got my kids
to see counselors or to have someone to
talk to even before we had the divorce
but or before we told the kids about the
divorce I had them meeting with a
counselor to just talk about the changes
that because we just moved to Folsom so
I made up some lame excuse so that at
least they had someone to talk to about
I bought a house I you know flew Matthew
it was very different and Jacob my son
Jacob actually said something about that
do you remember about being so prepared
oh no oh it was I hope I get this right
Jacob after we talked to the kids that
you know hey your mom and I are getting
a divorce we’re no longer living
together
and I bought a house down the street oh
gosh and here’s the new schedule and
here are the logistics and everything
was laid out everything was laid out and
I told them all right then and there and
they said that was a little bit
overwhelming for them right and here you
thought that you were doing the right
thing by saying don’t worry kids
everything is taken care of everything’s
gonna be taken care of everything’s safe
right right there’s it’s all planned out
it’s all good but it was just so much
for them to process it was and he said
it was a little much he said it would
have been better if that came a couple
days or a week later right where they
would have seen that I can see that I
can see that but it is important also to
have logistics all figured out before
you make this announcement true because
if you don’t and then the kids see no
change then they don’t understand they
become very confused right so one of the
things that Rachael said that we did
right was she liked how after we were
done talking to them I said if you guys
want to go have some alone time we had a
basement and her and Jake went
downstairs actually I think Jake went
outside on the property and took off and
Rachel went downstairs she said she took
a shower and cried and then went to her
room and she had time to process so we
didn’t you know make that wrong are you
okay right which she does she said I did
ask do you have any questions about 25
times but I let them have their space
and then she said several hours later I
came down and said do you have any
questions and so she and Jake said the
same thing that he felt like that time
that we gave them to go be alone with
their thoughts was was good well and we
did the same thing my ex and I actually
left the kids all six of them alone and
we we left so that they had time to
process and talk together as siblings
right and they they said that was an
important time that they had to process
things and every single one of my kids
took it completely different yeah
I mean Dallin he said he can’t remember
anything except the words you your mom
and I are getting a divorce
and he goes after that I plugged my ears
and I didn’t want to hear anything else
out of your mouth you know so and it’s
hard for your kids this will destroy
their lives I’m not gonna sugarcoat it
my kids remember the day and the hour
that it happened what a horrible thing
to do to your children no and I’m sorry
to put it that bluntly and bold but your
kids may have a really hard time
forgiving you for some time yeah
now you say it destroyed their lives and
it did and that’s when we have to work
on helping them put it back together
exactly because we made this mess for
them and we have to help them put it
back together all right and that’s the
next tip when you tell the kids you need
to keep all your emotions out of it this
is not about you it’s about your kids
all right you they’re gonna be in an
emotional rollercoaster and you can’t be
you’ve got to be calm
you cannot inject any of your high
emotional state that you’re going to be
in anyway you’ve got to plan ahead
you’ve got to figure this out so that
you can be calm and collected and help
them get through this horrible thing
that you are imposing on them yes I
totally agree
I tell you right this is a really heavy
podcast there’s not much laughter in
this one ah babe no not a lot of
laughter and you know what I want to say
to our listeners if you know of someone
that’s gonna go through this a horrible
thing I hope you will have them listen
to this podcast and maybe if we can just
help one family try and navigate through
this horrible thing that they are gonna
do then it will be worth it right that
we’re sitting here read
Levine the worst day of our lives
hopefully you’ll be worth alright so now
let’s talk about after we got some
Kleenex giggly episode no it’s not let’s
talk about what you do after you tell
the kids we did hint it on some of those
things with our own experiences so let’s
talk about what what to expect after you
tell the kids first thing we said was
give them some time to process
absolutely give them some time to think
to process maybe call their friends you
know what I mean like each kid is gonna
maybe handle it differently talk to each
other make a dartboard with your face on
it go that far but here I mean you give
them space to do what they need to do
they do but your kids still need to show
you some kind of respect so it’s a fine
line you your kids do you need a voice
they’re gonna be angry with you they’re
gonna be very upset they need to be
heard right um but also make sure that
they’re not completely disrespectful for
you you are not if you take that you can
easily say let’s say that my kids were
saying something bad about their mom
after that moment or bad about me either
spouse should step up and say wait just
a second I know you’re upset but this is
a joint thing we’re doing this together
that way you’re showing you unity and
you’re not throwing your ex under the
bus which is hard oh yeah because it’s
not always gorgeous etic No well it’s
not it’s not always a unified thing
because I mean I didn’t want to get
divorced you didn’t want to get divorced
so it’s really really hard when you feel
like I didn’t want this but when your
talent we’re telling you when you’re
telling your kids it’s good for you both
to in that moment be calm and talk to
them
together hey absolutely the next thing
you have to do is make sure that the
kids see a difference so if let’s say
that you did talk to the kids about
separation and then the next day mom and
dad are at breakfast that’s a little
confusing to the kids right I agree so
they don’t they won’t understand
especially your younger kids they won’t
understand what separation then means
right so there has to be a plan on what
you’re doing day two right right after
things happen now something you did
after you told that your kids which
Jacob said I don’t know if that was
right actually down said that to you
brought them down the street to see the
new house that they were gonna go in
each one of their new rooms right and
you and your ex thought that you were
doing the right thing by saying oh and
here’s dad because you said even your ex
came with yeah yeah so it was like
here’s dad’s new house this is where
you’re gonna be you thought this was
once again a stability thing like don’t
worry everything’s your rooms all set
everything’s ready to go but they said
that that was a little overwhelming is
it too much it ya know you do have to
show them so instead of being that
overwhelming what I probably could have
changed was we would have talked about
logistics for example you guys will be
at your mom’s until Wednesday and then
you’ll come over to your your dad’s
which is right down the street and on
Wednesday you’ll get to see right your
dad’s house right at that time yeah or
something like that so yeah it was a
little overwhelming me trying to fix
everything all the time right and that’s
why we said well we can’t go back and
change any of these things and luckily
we have very forgiving children we do we
are so blessed because our kids have it
has been eight years it’s been eight
years but they have done a good job yep
they’re forgiving us yep they have and
loving us regardless whether we’re
crybabies or not yes the next thing to
do is to set up a routine
as soon as possible so that the kids
have a normalcy that they can see even
though their lives destroyed they still
need some structure something that they
can rely on that is solid and this is
probably one of the hardest things don’t
be doing me and gloomy all the time you
got to find some fun
that’s really hard and that’s even hard
for me and I’m the fun master I want to
go have fun but it’s hard when you feel
like you’re I mean your world has
imploded you feel like curling up in a
ball and laying in bed you do and you’ve
got these kids to take care of and uh
it’s it’s such a hard rough time and
that’s the time that your kids are gonna
need you the most is is that first part
after the separation right your worlds
been rocked you cannot go into your own
little shell and be selfish right this
is the time when you need to step up and
show them the best that you can
stability calmness and routine and yes
go do some fun things with them remember
that you can still go have fun we can
let loose and you know go get an ice
cream go for a swim be together and do
some fun things um
the other advice we give is don’t get a
dog we’ll talk about that next episode
the divorced dog episode the one thing
my mom gave me some great advice and I
think you recognize it when we actually
got married it was have dinner together
sit down with your kids Oh with your
kids and have dinner together on real
plates not paper plates there’s a
temptation especially if if you only
have the kids for like two or three
hours on a Wednesday night which was the
case when I first got separated or
divorced I only have the kids on
Wednesday night the temptation was all
right it’s chicken nuggets on paper
plates again tonight
my mom instilled in me that make sure
you set the table make sure that the
kids show that stability that continuity
that this is home this is home not just
temporaries right this is oh and I I I’m
happy she told you that at the same time
Joanne I remember when I married you and
I mean I I like to do plates you know
most the time I’m real plates most the
time but occasionally I’m like you know
what hey let’s just do paper plates and
remember in the beginning of our
marriage you were like no and I was like
what is his deal with paper plates that
was the reason why yes I want to make
sure the kids don’t like this was a
permanent spot you know what that was no
big deal we rarely in fact the only time
we do paper plates now is if the
dishwasher is full and we didn’t run it
[Music]
all right so let’s hit some quick tips
on how to go through this whole thing
first off our first tip is don’t get
divorced in the first place do
everything you can get a good marriage
counselor do everything you can to not
get divorced yep first tip don’t get
divorced
yeah that second you do yep it’s
remember it’s about the children not you
when you sit down to talk with them it’s
not about you keep your feelings and
emotions to yourself and don’t inject
anxiety into the situation be calm talk
to the kids and if you have to roleplay
this ahead of time
roleplay it plan it out do your best to
keep the emotions out of it yep another
tip is what is your plan for the next
day you’ve got to have that what’s going
to happen the very next day and you need
to tell the kids what’s gonna happen the
very next day you don’t have to dump on
them what’s gonna happen the next month
or the next year like I did Yeah right
but you can say you know what tomorrow
this is what’s gonna happen or even say
like I think you know on Wednesday
you’re gonna come down to my house so
whoa right try and give them a little a
little bit of an idea of what because
they’re gonna be confused on what’s the
future look like
right so they want to know immediate
future what’s gonna happen tomorrow
right right so yep what’s the next one
babe oh it’s a question are you still
living in the same house
we just read an article where this
couple separated and divorced and living
in the same house together then why did
they bother to get divorced very
confusing to the kids in a lot of
respects there may be some time where
you are living in the same house because
maybe you can’t afford a separate house
yes but you’ve got to make it clear to
the kids what’s going on it could be
very confusing for them so try and be
clear about the situation not be I mean
I remember talking to Rachel today and I
said was it confusing when your dad came
back and had Thanksgiving with us and
she said yes but the whole thing is
confusing I mean they’re there their
heads are just spinning so try and
decrease as much yeah confusion as you
can yes by being clear that doesn’t mean
spilling in and confessing to everything
that’s gone on in your marriage to your
kids no that’s not appropriate no adult
conversations are for adults not for
children right right so keep that in
mind as well also make sure that you’ve
planned out the logistics on what’s
going on who’s paying for what if you
don’t have a formal agreement which you
guys didn’t we did because the paperwork
had already been filed right right well
yeah my ex and I we just had a verbal
agreement when he left of what he would
still pay for him it was just a verbal
thing at the time it was just verbal and
don’t get caught up on trying to be
perfect on this that’d be another tip
that we have because there’s no perfect
way to tell your kids that their family
is destroyed right and that is what when
I asked Jake today what we could do
differently to help someone else and he
said there’s no magical way to do this
he said it’s just gonna suck that’s what
he said and it is it is and as much as I
hate that word fact my kids are gonna be
so surprised that I just said that that
only because it was a quote from Jake
Jake made me say it
sure blame Jake that’s right okay so
another tip is should you tell the kids
why you got divorced yeah so this is
where you and I differ yep because I did
we told them why we were separating um
and I didn’t and it was kind of an
agreement that my ex and I had that we
worked through because we probably spent
three or four sessions with
marriage counselor I’m talking about how
are we gonna talk to the kids about the
divorce right and are we gonna tell them
and we kept going back and forth the
most important thing is that we both
agreed in the end not to tell them
specifics just to say that you know the
divorce is happening right no the kids
actually asked why and we said we’re not
gonna tell you at this time right so so
we’re in my situation we did tell them
in fact rachel says that I may have used
the wrong word een I started off by
saying that their dad was sick and so
she immediately thought with cancer or
something so be careful of your wording
I didn’t you know he wasn’t ill that way
he had a problem he had an addiction so
you know you have to be careful of your
wording yeah I dare them and I would
also say your when you talk to your kids
it’s not a half hour conversation you
don’t need to over talk to them right or
try and convince them that this is the
best thing right yet you’ll never
convince them in the moment so just get
the facts out and then let them kind of
out their time just to sit with it and
then come back later and say do you have
any questions yes I think that’s the
best way to go I love you I love you too
and I love I love our kids I love our
kids too I don’t know how much I love
our listeners for giving us the
suggestion to do this with episode this
was definitely the hardest one so far
yeah absolutely yeah
[Music]
our lemonade moment of the week has to
do with Paige turning 50 why did you say
that because you said we had to talk
about how old we’re getting and we have
to stay active gosh I didn’t mean for
you to tell everybody that I was 50 well
not yet yes next week just announce that
any how we went on a hike to Hidden
Falls which if you live in the Calif in
the Sacramento area Sacramento area you
need to check out this hike it is fun we
do it every year yep we climb the falls
um
wait hold on I take the picture I did it
last year no no yes you have never
claimed those Falls yes I’m out one time
yes I have you did not yes I know you
have not you’ve always been the one up
up in the wall overlook taking pictures
last year I climb the falls with you
dude see he’s getting so old he has now
rewriting history I wanted you guys can
see the pictures from last year where I
climb the Falls but what I wanted to say
was how important it is that you do fun
active things with your kids get out
there and go do something fun active I
mean we were getting scratched up
because if there’s blackberry bushes
everywhere we’re scratched we’re you
know eating the berries as we go along
but the kids were having so much fun and
there’s all these different little pools
they have they call them there’s an Adam
and Eve pool over here and don’t sign
yeah we climbed up the waterfall and
anyway that’s our lemonade do something
fun go do something fun and active
[Music]
wait stop the bumper music Paige has
something to say he climbed the falls
last year one time you climbed the Falls
one time he did he climbed the Falls one
time check out our evidence on where’s
the lemonade calm brand new website I’m
sorry sweetie you did claim the Falls
good job thank you if you liked today’s
episode
give us five stars on iTunes Spotify
Google and head to Facebook and like us
and check out our blog at where’s the
lemonade org where you can leave
questions and comments yeah but most of
all go out and make some lemonade you
bet you baby
[Music]
next week’s episode is on divorce dog
again at Disneyland and skydiving yup
that’s it
[Music]
you
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