Podcast 1:23 – Divorce Dog, Disneyland, and Skydiving

Right after a divorce is hard for everyone. You and your kids will be going through all ranges of emotion. You have a tendency to act based on those emotions of fear, guilt, sadness, and anger. Many times, this leads to uncharacteristically doing things you would not normally do. Like, getting a dog even though you are allergic, or skydiving, or heading to Disneyland. In this episode, we explore those first few months after a divorce and how to try to not overindulge your kids.

The Emotional part of Divorce

  • Your kids will be mad at you. They are going to be angry at the situation or at you, your ex-spouse or both.
  • You will be mad at you ex. When you are co-parenting things will happen that just make you mad.
  • Emotions during a divorce are mostly negative. There might be some relief, but in general, most of the emotions are sad and negative.
  • You need to find things that bring happiness and joy into the situation, for your kids and you.
    • Do not force family time on your kids 
    • Create opportunities
  • Self-care is important at this time, but remember your kids need stability and reassurance from you. They need your emotional support. Find a good balance.
  • Kids need security 
    • Security comes from knowing what is expected of them and having a stable home environment ā€” not one that is based on emotions alone.

Watch out for Overindulgence

  • Divorce Dog, Skydiving
  • Disneyland Dad syndrome
  • What is overindulgence?
    • No rules, no chores or  no discipline
    • Giving lavish gifts
    • Seeking pleasure while minimizing any disappointments
  • So it is ok to go to Disneyland, but do the kids have chores at home?
  • Are they showing gratitude?
  • Do the kids learn about consequences to their actions both good and bad?
  • Are the kids living in a complete Fantasyland that will create little monsters later on?
  • You need to consider what is going on with the kids at both houses. Are they doing chores in both homes? Don’t overload them with the same chores back to back.
  • Do not get in a competition with gift-giving with your ex-spouse.
    • First Christmas together example

Co-Parenting is Different than Parenting

  • You cannot parent the same way you did before.
  • We tend to be more lenient, especially with the older kids, because you are afraid the kids will want to live with the other parent.
  • Watch out about parenting out of a position of fear. You will always be afraid.
  • It feels like and we act like it is a competition for the love of our children.
  • Divorce changes the environment and you must adjust how you will parent from this point forward.

Tips

  • Create opportunities for the kids to be involved and to be together as a family
  • Don’t push your kids into doing things they don’t feel comfortable with
  • Have fun with your kids 
    • Take them to activities
    • Work with them
    • Work together to get something done and then have fun
  • Remember your relationship with your kids is going to change. Your parenting will change too.

Links

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Zoey our 5-month-old granddaughter plays with our dog Heidi.

Tina the Divorce Dog
Overindulgent Christmas

Transcript

00:01
[Music]

00:08
hello this is Darren and this is page

00:10
and this is where’s the lemonade where

00:13
we talked about what happens when life

00:15
throws you lemons make some lemonade

00:17
maybe some weeks it’s lemons worse yeah

00:20
some weeks it’s just lemons on today’s

00:27
episode we’re gonna talk about skydiving

00:29
door stocks and Disney when

00:32
overindulgence in our last episode we

00:35
talked about how to talk to the kids

00:38
about divorce when you’re getting a

00:40
divorce that was a really hard episode

00:44
for us probably our hardest emotional

00:45
episode yeah and we got a lot of really

00:48
good feedback from our listeners which

00:50
we really appreciate today we’re gonna

00:52
actually talk about what do you do after

00:55
that a lot of crying a lot it’s very

01:00
emotional at that and we have a tendency

01:02
with all those emotions that are built

01:04
up there’s a lot of negativity that we

01:07
overindulge our kids right that’s why

01:10
the title yeah divorce dog Disneyland

01:13
and skydiving because all those things

01:16
happened to us yep so and then we also

01:20
talked about in this episode about you

01:22
know co-parenting that’s a whole new

01:24
thing that you have to start doing

01:26
almost immediately after after your

01:28
divorce or separation yeah I think a lot

01:31
of people think that once the divorce is

01:33
over that things are going to be so much

01:36
easier with parenting and typically I

01:39
mean we can’t say for every situation

01:40
but typically it is it is different very

01:45
different and difficult to co-parent for

01:48
sure yeah absolutely

01:50
so let’s first talk about our emotions

01:51
that that everyone’s going through

01:54
you’ve told the kids you sat down with

01:56
them you gave them space to cry and

01:58
scream and do whatever your kids are

02:00
gonna be mad at you they are they aren’t

02:03
sometimes you don’t find out till 10

02:05
years later how mad they were at way

02:07
like what we found out just recently yes

02:10
they’re they’re angry they’re angry that

02:13
their life as they knew it has been

02:16
shattered and their stability you know

02:19
their foundation has been torn apart and

02:22
they’re mad and they want to surprise

02:24
that both of you sometimes just one you

02:26
know it just depends but yeah it’s it’s

02:29
hard because of that anger definitely

02:31
shows it does and you also have to deal

02:34
with the anger that you may have at your

02:37
ex and I’m you would have gotten

02:40
divorced if you could get along well

02:41
right well and you have to have to

02:44
really temper that because you don’t

02:47
want to show your kids that the only way

02:52
you can interact or talk about your ex

02:55
is with this these anger these

02:58
heightened emotions right these

02:59
heightened emotions because it’s it’s

03:01
negative it’s bad and it’s hard it’s

03:03
hard in the beginning whoo yeah it’s

03:06
very hard and and you know it’s

03:07
interesting because my therapist had

03:10
something interesting says never talk

03:12
negatively about your ex in front of

03:15
your kids especially but try not to talk

03:17
about negatively at all because your

03:19
kids feel that negativity and you have

03:22
to remember that they are half of your

03:24
ex-spouse right so they take that even

03:28
subliminally as you’re angry at half of

03:32
me right which kind of negates you know

03:35
what you’re trying to to do at that time

03:37
so and I think that you might think at

03:40
the time like oh there there on my side

03:43
you know let’s be angry together at your

03:45
dad or at your mom right yeah like let’s

03:47
do this together but all it does really

03:49
I I talked to friends that had come from

03:52
divorced families and they said the same

03:54
thing don’t talk negatively about your

03:56
ex it builds resentment over time and

03:58
when these kids become adults they do

04:00
resent that and go I can’t believe you

04:03
you know you talked so badly in and that

04:05
made me that fostered a bad relationship

04:08
with my dad or my mom so it is going to

04:12
build into resentment later on and

04:14
you’re gonna slip trust me you’re gonna

04:17
say negative things right well and you

04:19
need to apologize to your kids and you

04:21
need to just course correction and go

04:23
you

04:23
I really I really messed up today and

04:26
try better tomorrow cuz you’re gonna

04:29
mess up cuz you did get divorced for a

04:31
reason and you did and being self aware

04:33
of that remember you’re not your kids

04:36
best friend that you can fight in why

04:38
you got divorced that’s just not

04:40
appropriate it’s not now other things

04:43
that we have to deal with with divorce

04:46
almost all the emotions of a divorce are

04:48
negative people go no I’m so much

04:50
happier now that I’m divorced a nice

04:52
facade sorry

04:54
swishy if there’s kids involved there’s

04:56
a lot of negative feelings well their

04:58
situation might be better it depends

04:59
what you know if they were in an abusive

05:00
relationship or something of course

05:02
right but in general then the feelings

05:05
of emotions are pretty sad and negative

05:07
yes definitely so you’ve got to find

05:10
things to do to bring more happiness and

05:12
joy into the situation for your kids and

05:15
for you

05:16
so not dwelling on the bat all the time

05:18
but coming up with good things that you

05:20
can do together right and we talked to

05:24
we talked to some of our kids about this

05:25
when they were mad at you after the

05:27
divorce

05:27
yeah and we’re trying to do fun things

05:30
right and we did we talked to my kids

05:33
about this and they said it was good

05:37
that I didn’t force this situation so

05:39
they were mad at me they felt like it

05:42
was you know me kicking their dad out

05:46
which was I gave me sort of was the case

05:49
what kind of wasn’t anyway we’ve already

05:50
talked about that but it was me trying

05:53
to solve a problem and that was how I

05:57
had to solve it at the time but it was

06:00
them saying that they were mad they

06:05
didn’t really want to be at home or

06:08
around me very much because they were

06:10
mad but when I arranged for fun things

06:16
they came because that was still like oh

06:19
well we’re gonna do this fun thing

06:21
together alright we’ll go do that well

06:23
you invited them instead of saying you

06:25
have to go right they said do not force

06:27
do not force it don’t force him to be

06:29
home for you know we’re having family

06:31
dinner tonight you better be there I

06:32
didn’t do that

06:33
I did not force but it was hard because

06:36
I wanted them to be there

06:37
and you know I felt sad that they sure

06:41
it’s more about creating opportunities

06:42
to be together yes then saying dictating

06:46
opportunities yes

06:48
so creating those opportunities extreme

06:50
if we’re and making them a happy time

06:52
and a joyful time in building new

06:53
memories which you’ve got to start doing

06:55
right away is building these new

06:57
memories with with your kids ok another

07:01
part that we talked about here is

07:03
self-care during this time now I’ve seen

07:06
this go to ways where you indulge your

07:10
kids completely everything’s about your

07:12
kids and you forget about yourself yep

07:14
and I’ve seen people go well it’s only

07:17
about me and forget about the kids right

07:19
I have to take care of me because if I’m

07:21
not ok then I’m not gonna be good for my

07:23
kids right right yeah so you’ve got to

07:26
strike a balance you have to right you

07:28
can’t be so self-absorbed that you

07:31
ignore your kids no because they will

07:34
resent that and they will remember that

07:35
and just being in the room with them is

07:38
not enough right you have to engage with

07:40
them that’s something that you’ve taught

07:41
me very well is engaging with your kids

07:44
even if they’re talking about Pokemon

07:46
and you really don’t care you have to be

07:48
able to ask questions and say hey tell

07:52
me more I don’t want to know even though

07:54
yeah it’s not interesting to you but if

07:56
it’s interesting to your child it’s

07:58
building a trust with them right but

08:01
also at the same time you need to be

08:02
able to take care of yourself so what

08:04
sorts of things what sorts of things can

08:07
we do to take care of ourselves you know

08:09
I remember when after I first got

08:11
divorced and I was working I was working

08:14
two jobs I mean life was 100% different

08:17
for me I went from being a stay-at-home

08:18
mom my whole life to now I’m working two

08:22
jobs and trying to balance I stay you

08:25
know I had really good friends I still

08:27
wanted to be with I you know want to be

08:29
with my kids every second that I wasn’t

08:31
working so it was really hard to strike

08:33
that balance but for me the self-care

08:35
was just you know every once in a while

08:37
I did go out with my friends for either

08:40
they’d come to my work and meet me for

08:41
lunch which was great because then it

08:43
wasn’t taking any time away from my kids

08:45
after I got home but you know even every

08:48
you know maybe once a month I would go

08:50
out

08:51
for didn’t you know to dinner or

08:52
something with my friends cuz but that

08:54
was about it because my kids didn’t need

08:56
me they needed me so you’ve got to find

08:59
some how to balance that that but yet

09:03
for me it was friends

09:03
it was friends for me it was work yeah I

09:07
can see that I just you know when I

09:09
didn’t have my kids it was all work I

09:12
traveled quite a bit for my my job at

09:15
the time so I only traveled when I

09:17
didn’t have the kids and I and it was

09:20
like I’m at work the whole time 24/7

09:24
when my kids aren’t there no downtime

09:26
because that’s where my self-worth comes

09:29
is how much I can produce right right

09:31
and then you met me and then work went

09:38
there was no balance no there was no

09:40
balance not at all

09:43
now the other thing that we talked about

09:45
during this emotional time right after

09:46
the divorce and you’ve talked to your

09:49
kids is the kids need security they need

09:51
to feel some consistency a stableness

09:56
where they can nail plant their feet

09:58
because everything they knew that was

09:59
solid is now wiped away almost like if

10:02
you’ve ever been in an earthquake I

10:04
remember being in an earthquake when I

10:06
was a teenager something solid like the

10:09
ground all of a sudden was not solid

10:11
anymore and it was kind of unnerving and

10:13
I bet kids feel the same way about

10:15
divorce something that’s solid that’s

10:17
there is now gone yeah and it’s hard for

10:21
the kids especially for the parent that

10:23
moves out of the family home right and

10:27
gets a different place the kids don’t

10:29
feel as comfortable at this new place

10:31
home is you know back where the family

10:33
was so it’s really challenging to make

10:36
your new place feel like home I know

10:39
that was challenging for my kids just

10:40
when we moved in with you that was

10:42
challenging I you know was fortunate

10:44
enough after the divorce to stay in the

10:45
home that the kids were used to right

10:47
when we got married then oh it’s really

10:49
hard but yeah I mean someone has to move

10:51
out of the house and so that’s really

10:53
challenging but my advice is don’t give

10:56
up you can’t give up you can’t go you

10:59
went this is just too hard I’m not gonna

11:01
you know have the kids come over I’m

11:02
like don’t give up your kids need you

11:05
the

11:05
need you they need both parents both

11:07
parents and don’t give up yeah um also

11:11
make sure that when you’re building that

11:12
environment in your home that’s not just

11:15
built on emotion they need routine they

11:18
need consistency they need jobs and need

11:21
to own part of building that home back

11:24
up together so now let’s talk about

11:32
skydiving shall we

11:34
we shall and getting a dog on the same

11:38
day I don’t think you could have done

11:40
more on Monday than that oh my goodness

11:43
yes so it was trying to think of how

11:46
long I guess it was a year and a half

11:48
right well as a year and a half past my

11:50
separation about seven months after my

11:53
divorce yeah and yeah our our family was

11:58
struggling we were set and Amanda and

12:00
Rachel were both home from college

12:03
actually Rachel hadn’t left for college

12:05
yet but amanda was home from college and

12:09
we I decided to just do something to

12:12
shake it up cuz Amanda hadn’t been

12:14
around the whole divorce thing right

12:17
she’d been at college and she comes home

12:19
to this different house and things are

12:21
very different and you know Rachel was

12:23
really struggling I think Jake was

12:24
really struggling we were all just

12:26
trying to figure out our new life and

12:30
someone said you should go skydiving

12:32
first of all my first thought was well

12:33
we can’t afford that you know I thought

12:35
it would be super expensive it’s not I

12:37
mean nobody weighs a second you found

12:40
the cheapest skydiving place I did

12:42
anywhere in California which has been

12:45
shut down several times I didn’t know

12:47
that I did not research it at the time

12:49
but yeah I think it was $100 for each of

12:52
us and I was like oh well I mean I

12:54
thought was gonna be three or four

12:55
hundred dollars a person it was only a

12:57
hundred dollars so so yes and you are

13:00
also not supposed to take any children

13:02
under the age of 18 skydiving

13:04
Jake was 16 and this place was like sure

13:07
he can go I didn’t once again I did not

13:10
know you were supposed to be 18 when I

13:12
started telling people that I took Jake

13:13
they were like how could you take Jake

13:15
he’s not 18 I’m like did they have to be

13:18
18

13:18
yeah uh-huh so anyway I did I took my

13:21
kids skydiving

13:23
am was with us but he was you know five

13:25
four or five so I’d make him go no let

13:30
him go they had some kind of rules not

13:32
very many so and right after the

13:34
skydiving which what you guys can look

13:36
on our website for those great pictures

13:38
yeah well you were sick for three days

13:41
afterwards motion sickness right

13:43
afterwards you guys then went to a dog

13:46
shelter and picked up you know we got

13:49
Tina yep we did it was it was it was the

13:52
overindulgence day I wanted to be the

13:55
cool parent for the day I did and I

13:58
remember Jake telling me that I was the

14:00
coolest mom ever and how would I ever

14:02
top that and I was like yes my plan has

14:05
worked I am the coolest mom ever and on

14:08
my side it was trip down to San Diego

14:11
and to Disneyland and Legoland and

14:13
things like that that I didn’t right

14:15
my kids right so yeah that stuff happens

14:18
we understand that that stuff happens

14:20
but so what is overindulgence because

14:23
doing those things all the time everyone

14:26
would say yeah that’s overindulgence but

14:28
what what really is overindulgence well

14:31
we looked this up right we looked up

14:33
what is the it’s actually called the

14:35
Disneyland dad syndrome it’s not called

14:37
Disneyland in fact it’s actually a legal

14:39
term that can be used in court

14:41
isn’t that funny which yeah I think it’s

14:43
hilarious but but what that means is the

14:46
Disneyland dad syndrome is complete

14:49
overindulgence all the time with no

14:51
rules no routine it’s just when you’re

14:54
with me it’s just fun it’s just fun

14:57
we’re you know yeah we’re at Disneyland

14:59
we’re at the ballpark we’re at the

15:01
arcade Oh diving lab that just dated me

15:03
we’re at the arcade we’re at the arcade

15:06
playing centipede or pacman anyway but

15:09
no it’s just it’s complete fun it’s

15:11
never having them have any

15:13
responsibility they’re not doing chores

15:15
they’re not doing homework you’re never

15:16
saying no it’s all yes it’s yeah it’s

15:19
all no discipline giving lavish gifts

15:22
even if you’re not even if you’re not

15:27
involved but even giving lavish gifts

15:29
far away right what yes

15:32
we’ve seen in some situations too with

15:34
some of our friends mm-hmm we have we

15:37
have so yes so you have to have this

15:39
balance because like we said before in

15:40
our first part of this podcast you do

15:44
need to create these fun memories right

15:46
so don’t be afraid to go do something

15:49
fun but it just can’t be all the time

15:52
right and it may be make it so that it’s

15:55
a reward

15:56
yes that’s talked about that I remember

15:58
we did I would say to my kids let’s get

16:00
this you know house cleaning down let’s

16:02
get this yard work done and then we’ll

16:03
go get an ice-cream and go to the park

16:05
or you know or maybe if we save our

16:07
money up by turning the lights off

16:09
around the house one of my big pet

16:10
peeves then maybe we can go to

16:12
Disneyland in three months if our

16:14
electric bill goes down right all right

16:16
the kids need to be invested in that

16:20
opportunity right and somehow instead of

16:22
them just receiving it that’s a major

16:25
difference between overindulgence and

16:27
you know creating happy memories and fun

16:29
things that you should do and it’s hard

16:31
because when you see that your kids are

16:33
sad and you’re sad you want to just you

16:36
know do you want to just kind of throw

16:39
everything out the window and just go oh

16:40
let me I just want to make everyone

16:42
happy

16:42
forget bills right match all the credit

16:44
card yeah you just want to make people

16:46
happy but they need the security and

16:49
stability of normal roots well and that

16:51
just brings temporary happiness not real

16:54
joy which would be a little bit longer

16:55
exactly well and this goes into showing

16:58
gratitude are your kids showing

17:00
gratitude for this stuff right or are

17:02
they expecting it right that drives me

17:06
crazy yes it does and as well as it

17:09
should as well as it should our kids are

17:11
very good at showing gratitude and they

17:13
know that that’s important to us and if

17:15
they don’t show gratitude then things

17:18
are not good maybe it was the gratitude

17:20
buck

17:21
thing that I did for a while with with

17:23
the kids Yeah right

17:24
they got gratitude bucks for doing good

17:26
things around the house and saying thank

17:27
you and things like that we’ve kind of

17:29
indoctrinated and brainwashed them into

17:32
showing gratitude absolutely also

17:35
another important thing about

17:37
overindulgence here is making sure that

17:40
your kids understand that there are

17:41
consequences to their actions most good

17:44
and bad

17:45
this really will start tying into

17:46
co-parenting as well it will and that’s

17:49
that’s hard that’s hard because like you

17:52
said it is gonna tie into the next one

17:53
but there still has to be consequences

17:56
you still have to have discipline and

17:58
you know so we’ll talk about that more

18:00
in the next section but yes don’t over

18:03
indulgence is also not ever disciplining

18:06
your child and or giving them stuff to

18:08
do or they need to they need to be part

18:11
of the family and contribute and kids

18:13
need the kids need boundaries oh they do

18:16
if they need boundaries so much in fact

18:18
we found with some of our kids when

18:20
we’ve given them more boundaries they

18:22
thrive yes because there’s no question

18:25
on what they need to do or how to do it

18:27
and it depends on the age like if you’re

18:29
at ask our older kids when at the

18:31
beginning of the divorce they wanted

18:34
less boundaries and when we got

18:35
remarried right they were like let me do

18:38
my own thing this is you know I don’t

18:40
want anything to do with this so you

18:41
have to be aware of ages and still

18:44
create a safe environment for your kid

18:46
and there still needs to be some

18:46
boundaries you can’t just say no

18:48
boundaries you know whatever you want

18:49
you’re the parent you’re that you’re

18:51
still the parent and the kids actually

18:53
will appreciate that if not right away

18:54
then later in life yeah now another

18:57
thing that you’re going to run into and

18:59
bump up against is competition well yeah

19:02
X and we were horrible at this at first

19:08
it’s just something that I think it’s

19:10
natural I mean I if if you have gotten

19:13
divorced and you didn’t feel competition

19:15
with your ex you know shoot us an email

19:18
because I I want to know yeah no I

19:20
seriously I would love to hear from

19:22
somebody that just felt like there was

19:24
no competition because I think it’s just

19:26
a natural thing like you know you want

19:28
to be the fun parent the cool but the

19:30
kids don’t want to be at mine

19:31
yes I want the kids to be at mine yeah

19:32
yeah totally so how did how did we

19:35
overindulge got say Christmas morning

19:39
first Christmas we changed our tradition

19:41
we’re open one present at a time which

19:42
was your tradition mm-hmm around the

19:45
room and it took us six hours

19:46
yes we’ve talked about this before and

19:49
we put up pictures before yeah go look

19:51
at our traditions outcasts about this

19:53
and you’ll hear the whole story you will

19:55
see the definition of overindulgence

19:59
and we it was it was ridiculous even the

20:01
kids felt like it was ridiculous I mean

20:03
everyone’s like exhausted from opening

20:05
presents that’s really that it is really

20:08
bad but it was our first Christmas

20:11
together and we were trying to you know

20:13
say hey we’re the cool we’re the cool

20:16
ones yeah no we weren’t we still learn

20:18
hi everyone thinks you’re the cool

20:23
parent competing with your ex-spouse is

20:33
is innately going to happen in some

20:35
respects but you’re gonna have to get

20:37
over that and start co-parenting

20:39
together and this is really difficult as

20:43
there’s lots going on whether it’s

20:46
discipline common chores overindulgence

20:50
like we talked about before you have to

20:51
deal with all these same things yeah and

20:54
if you think that parenting is going to

20:57
be the same once you’re divorced you are

20:59
sadly mistaken because oh my goodness

21:03
it’s so difficult because you are if you

21:07
want to discipline your child for

21:08
something that they did wrong you’re

21:10
worried that especially if they’re older

21:11
that they’re gonna be like well I’m just

21:12
gonna go over at my mom’s house or dads

21:14
out you know I mean you you don’t parent

21:16
the same exact way that you know you’re

21:18
parenting from a position of fear and

21:20
aspects yes I mean when you’re you know

21:23
it’s together they you know they may

21:26
threaten to run away but that’s you know

21:27
very rare like they have nowhere to go

21:29
but now they do have somewhere to go to

21:32
and so you worry that oh you know and

21:35
and that yes you’re right I like what

21:37
you just said

21:38
we’re parenting out of fear and so we

21:40
are not a very bad position it is and I

21:43
think the kids can feel it and they

21:45
start to manipulate that a little bit oh

21:47
not even a little bit yeah your your

21:50
kids will learn really quickly

21:51
especially if you’ve gotten remarried

21:53
and you’re blending a family and your

21:55
ex-spouse house now they have four

21:56
parents to play against each other

21:58
instead of just two yeah and you know

22:02
I’m not saying that all kids are evil or

22:03
anything it’s just human nature to want

22:05
to get what you want and figure out a

22:08
way to do that you’ve got to be adult

22:10
enough to see what’s going on

22:12
and communicative enough with your

22:14
ex-spouse to say hey look here’s the

22:17
situation we need to be a a front

22:23
yeah united united front that’s what I

22:25
was looking for you’re not in front to

22:26
make sure that we’re consistent in this

22:28
thing whether it’s chores or discipline

22:30
or gift-giving it is and it’s hard you

22:33
have to you do you have to have a good

22:35
line of communication with your ex to

22:38
say hey so so-and-so you know did this

22:41
over here they’re granted from TV

22:43
I’d like that grounding to extend over

22:46
to your house and sometimes that works

22:47
and sometimes that does not so you have

22:50
to you have to figure that out sometimes

22:52
it’s just like well when they’re at your

22:54
house and then when they come back a few

22:55
days later then the punishment continues

22:57
ideally I think it should be able to

23:00
extend to both houses but that’s really

23:02
hard especially if you don’t have a good

23:04
relationship with your ex they’re gonna

23:05
go I’m not gonna you know yeah I’m gonna

23:08
be the good parent writer and write the

23:10
parent that they love and not yeah so

23:13
it’s really hard so so that also means

23:15
your discipline you need to be careful

23:16
you can’t ground your kid for life

23:18
anymore like we you know know what you

23:20
used to yes we used to you have to make

23:24
sure that the discipline or the

23:27
consequence for their bad action is

23:31
attainable

23:33
yeah easily enforceable right yes

23:36
otherwise it really doesn’t matter much

23:38
right right so yeah but it does it does

23:41
feel like a little bit of a competition

23:43
with the parenting and I know some

23:45
people we’ve talked to friends before

23:46
that we’re not really considering

23:48
divorce but you know it was just they

23:50
were having a rough time having a rough

23:52
time and oh if if you know I wasn’t with

23:54
him then you know he he wouldn’t say

23:56
this when I tried to discipline the kids

23:58
and I was like oh sweetheart you’re

24:01
right he’s not gonna be there to say

24:02
that he’ll say that afterwards he’ll say

24:04
it over AG it’s gonna be so much worse

24:07
he’s gonna do things just to make you

24:09
mad like you know I mean like it doesn’t

24:12
it doesn’t get any better no in fact it

24:14
actually is more difficult yes it is in

24:16
co-parenting is such such a hard thing

24:18
to do now here’s another thing that we

24:20
talked about chores so if your kids are

24:24
doing chores in both home

24:26
like let’s say David was mowing the lawn

24:28
at his mom’s house and then every time

24:30
he was here he mowed the lawn – you have

24:33
to also be concerned am i doing too much

24:35
right

24:37
is he not having any downtime so you’ve

24:40
gotta somehow coordinate that with with

24:42
your ex which could be difficult right

24:45
which I don’t think we have ever

24:47
coordinated with your ex on chores no no

24:50
but you have to kind of take you know

24:54
look at what your kids so if they come

24:56
to our house and say oh we just spent

24:58
all day yesterday doing yard work you

25:00
gotta take that q-tip well you’re doing

25:01
yard work here – right needs to be even

25:03
yeah that kind of stinks for them or

25:06
even if they were like oh we spent all

25:08
day yesterday cleaning our rooms and

25:09
you’re thinking oh darn I was just gonna

25:11
have him go really deep clean his room

25:13
take a step back because you’re they’re

25:16
going to resent that and as well as they

25:19
should that is that really stinks and

25:21
they didn’t ask for this so even though

25:23
yes they still need to help with yard

25:25
work and help and keep their rooms clean

25:27
you have to be careful about what has

25:31
already happened at the other house well

25:33
both both on chores as well as fun times

25:36
absolutely if they just went to a

25:39
pumpkin patch right you know yesterday

25:42
and now they’re coming to our house and

25:44
it’s the weekend before you know

25:46
Halloween are we going to a pumpkin

25:48
patch two days in row and that stinks

25:50
because you really want to go do that

25:52
but guess what the kids are like oh well

25:54
I just did that it really stinks and

25:56
sometimes you might have an ex that

25:59
tries to get everything in first right

26:00
yeah can happen it can happen and you

26:03
just have to go with it and if you have

26:06
a good relationship with your ex maybe

26:08
you can talk to them and say listen you

26:10
took him to the pumpkin patch last year

26:12
can I take him that you know or maybe

26:13
you separate them from a couple weeks or

26:15
something right no but right but it’s

26:17
just her remember that kids are getting

26:19
doubled of everything so keep that in

26:21
mind I remember even our kids with

26:23
movies I remember yeah I remember Jacob

26:26
one time was like I’m really tired of

26:28
seeing the same movie twice every single

26:31
time a new movie comes out because it’s

26:33
like oh well we were gonna take you to

26:34
see a movie well I already saw well we

26:37
to take you so sometimes you just have

26:39
to give those things up for the benefit

26:41
of your kids and if it’s really

26:43
important to you don’t give it up and

26:45
and make that known to your kid you know

26:46
what this was really important to me I

26:48
really wanted to do this with you but it

26:50
just can’t be every single time so the

26:53
whole thing around co-parenting and

26:54
overindulgence is take a look at it make

26:58
sure that you’re not doing things twice

27:01
or three times over so let’s take that

27:04
let’s talk about the tips that we want

27:05
to help people out just kind of remind

27:08
people create opportunities that your

27:11
kids can get involved that bring the

27:13
family together and bring positive

27:15
emotions don’t push your kids into doing

27:18
things but create opportunities for them

27:21
to to have with you instead of pushing

27:24
them right don’t force it though don’t

27:26
force it and most importantly have fun

27:28
with your kids absolutely and this does

27:31
not have to be something big a picnic go

27:34
to the park just little things like that

27:36
go do mini-golf just let it go

27:39
stargazing it doesn’t have to be things

27:41
that cost money but do things together

27:43
have a go get an ice-cream at thrifty

27:46
which someone recently said they didn’t

27:48
know that thrifty drugs I didn’t know

27:50
righty-right a didn’t had ice cream I’m

27:52
like what yes it’s really cheap it’s

27:54
really good ice cream but yeah just do

27:56
things together with them do chores

27:58
together do yard work together but do

28:00
things together and don’t think that

28:02
when you get divorced that your

28:03
parenting and your relationship with

28:05
your kids isn’t going to change it’s

28:07
going to change and your parenting style

28:09
needs to change too

28:11
[Music]

28:17
so the lemonade moment of the week has

28:19
to do with our two granddaughters or

28:22
actually one of our granddaughters

28:23
they’re visiting this week which has

28:24
been a lot of fun for us it has been a

28:27
great week my birthday week we’ve rented

28:29
out the roller rink roller rink and had

28:32
a bunch of our friends come and family

28:34
and spend tons of fun and yeah so Zoey’s

28:37
here who’s what Zoey five months old

28:39
five months old oh my goodness so she’s

28:40
rolling over now she’s getting on her

28:42
belly and trying to move around and we

28:45
have a little push on Heidi she’s not

28:47
our divorce talk she is not we’ll talk

28:49
about that episode another time but

28:53
Heidi saw her getting up on all fours

28:55
and she thought she wanted to play with

28:57
her

28:57
so Heidi went to town barking at her

29:00
wagging her tail licking her and Jo just

29:04
sat there was smiles and then sad and

29:07
then smiles and it was pretty funny

29:09
you can check out the video it was

29:11
pretty darn cute if you like today’s

29:18
episode give us five stars on iTunes

29:21
Spotify Google and head to Facebook and

29:25
like us and check out our blog at

29:28
where’s the lemonade org where you can

29:30
leave questions and comments yeah but

29:33
most of all go out and make some

29:35
lemonade you betcha baby

29:38
[Music]

29:43
in our next episode we are going to talk

29:46
about coming to terms with paying child

29:48
support and alimony the tough subject it

29:52
is but we’re gonna dig in baby

29:54
[Music]

30:08
you

darrenpulsipher

Founder of Yoly Inc. Helping people get socially centered all over the internet.

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  • Great episode, great advice and perspective… wish I'd listened to it 10 years ago *completely* failed Disneyland Dad (I was more like "Game Console Dad" … Wii? Sure! XBOX? Why not?!…) and on chores (If they got the dishes into the sink, I considered it a 'done') šŸ™‚ Look forward to listening to more episodes…

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