Friends are yet another tricky subject in divorce. Who gets what friends after a divorce? Does your new spouse make friends with your friends? What happens if you are in the same social circles still? Are there people that want to be friends with both you and your ex? It gets complicated really fast.
Who Gets the Friends in a Divorce
Cannot specify which friends go to who, in the divorce papers.
Moving to a new location is typically what happens for one of the people. So that problem is not common for everyone.
In our situation, Darren did not move, some friends had to take sides.
It will be hard to have a friend still be both of your friends. You have put them in the middle of your mess. Not fair. You need to let them go sometimes.
Sometimes you might lose a friend because “divorce is contagious”. It is very hurtful. But you need to be understanding.
How to Make Friends in your Spouses Circle of Friends
Church Friends, Soccer mom friends, that you might have in common with your spouse’s ex.
Three sets of friends.
Your friends – Your exes friends – Friends with both parties.
Be respectful of your exes friends, boundaries are good.
Be understanding of your friends, they are trying to navigate the situation the best they can.
Venting to a person might seem ok but who do they talk to and who talks to them. Word gets out very fast in a small community. Be careful to only vent to one or two people who you can trust and know that they will not share what you have told them with anyone.
Communicating with the friend network can be difficult.
When you travel in the same circles and have common friends make sure you are communicating really well with your ex, for your friend’s sake.
Being Friends of a Divorced Couple
Both get invited to a party by the same person. Can be awkward and uncomfortable.
It can be hard to navigate communicating with a couple that has been divorced. We feel for you.
Don’t get your feelings hurt if someone does not come to the party, lunch, or soccer game.
We have invited two couples that are exes, to a party just recently, without thinking about how it might affect them.
Be supportive, try to understand that you cannot understand what they go through until you have gone through it.
Realize that all words spoken will go to the other side of the relationship. Be respectful and speak kind words.
If you are friends with both sides, you need to figure out who needs you at the moment.
Lemonade Moment of the week
At a wedding of Darren’s niece, Paige accidentally wakes up Darren at 1:30 am in the morning trying to find her purse that she did not bring on the trip…
Links
Transcript
00:08
hello this is Darren and this is page
00:10
and this is where’s the lemonade where
00:13
we talked about what happens when life
00:15
throws you lemons make some lemonade
00:17
maybe some weeks it’s lemons where’s
00:19
yeah some weeks it’s just lemons yep
00:24
on today’s episode we’re gonna talk
00:27
about who gets friends in a divorce it’s
00:35
friends are yet another really tricky
00:41
thing in divorce yeah I’m the court
00:45
documents don’t specify which friends go
00:48
with whom at least not in my court
00:51
document they might in some people they
00:54
might yeah I’m very contentious divorces
00:56
they might they might but they’re not
00:58
enforceable by law so it gets really
01:01
tricky sometimes how do you specify
01:04
which friends go where you may have a
01:07
friend and now they won’t talk to you
01:12
even though maybe you were friends first
01:14
it gets really kind of hard it does and
01:18
you know there’s really no way around it
01:20
I mean you’re gonna probably lose a
01:23
couple of friends in your divorce or you
01:26
know your spouse is your spouse ex
01:28
spouse is gonna lose a friend or two the
01:31
man’s probably gonna lose more friends
01:33
than the woman wouldn’t you agree
01:34
in our case yes because well because
01:37
you’re more social million but that’s
01:39
not always a case right but I just I
01:42
feel like girls always have you know
01:44
they’re close girlfriends and guys don’t
01:47
always have a lot of close guy friends
01:49
you know that yeah that’s simple just
01:52
typically typically right so anyway but
01:55
but you know a lot of times when when
01:57
you’re in a divorce situation you end up
01:58
moving yes and in that case then you get
02:02
kind of a clean break new friends but we
02:06
talked about this when we talked about
02:08
our siblings some of my siblings were
02:11
better friends with my ex than I was and
02:14
they felt a loss right they even told me
02:17
that yeah why’d you do that alright you
02:20
know they felt a loss and because they
02:23
still want to be loyal to me their
02:24
brother of course but you know they
02:26
still very much wanted to be with my ex
02:29
yeah and family you know it’s it’s
02:32
easier for families to draw the line
02:34
than friends yeah blood sprite because
02:37
it’s like even though I care about you
02:40
you know the exits leaving I care about
02:42
you but I really can’t stay in contact
02:43
with you because the family that’s more
02:46
blood that’s more understandable
02:49
but friends can get a little trickier
02:51
they can now in your situation it was
02:54
pretty easy because your ex moved away
02:57
yes in fact before our divorce was even
03:00
final he had moved away when we were
03:02
separated right so you got all the
03:03
friends I got all the friends I got them
03:05
anyway because he was not for me
03:09
no he was not he’s not social he’s done
03:12
a super sociable guy so the friends the
03:14
the friends that we had I was more the
03:17
you know instigator in being friends
03:19
with them not him even though I think
03:21
they loved him and he loved them but it
03:23
wasn’t like he was gonna go hang out
03:25
with any of these people like I would
03:27
does that make sense yeah yeah it does
03:29
no in my case it was very different
03:31
because we well kind of we’d only lived
03:35
here about a year when we got divorced
03:39
so they weren’t real deep friendships
03:41
yet but we still stayed in the same
03:45
neighborhood right and the same church
03:47
congregation Church congregation the
03:49
same you know soccer leagues whatever it
03:52
was right so there was some that was
03:55
yeah yeah who can I talk to who can I
03:58
not talk to can we just address
04:00
something really quickly here no now’s
04:03
not the time if you’re wondering why
04:07
Darren has a lisp he’s had a very bad
04:11
couple of days and right I have yeah
04:14
I’ve had a very bad couple days and he
04:17
had some dental surgery some extensive
04:21
dental work because of a bad infection
04:23
and so he had a tooth removed and he’s
04:28
got a temporary bridge until he can get
04:31
the implant and that was yesterday so
04:33
yes we had two great canals and it’s my
04:35
my Lisp is because of that and it’s
04:37
bothering Paige a lot not bothering it’s
04:40
just it’s funny she’s laughing at me
04:42
back to the subject yes back to the
04:47
subject okay so in my situation friends
04:52
had had to choose sides yes and some
04:56
didn’t and we’ll talk about that later
04:58
but it I felt I felt somewhat
05:03
like wow I thought we were friends
05:06
obviously we weren’t when they decided
05:09
to go and spend more time with my ex and
05:12
I was kind of excluded right that is
05:14
that is hurtful it is right it’s hurtful
05:18
and uh but you got to understand you’ve
05:22
got to try and understand these poor
05:24
friends that are put in the middle of a
05:27
little tug of war and you know I feel I
05:29
feel bad for them now another thing
05:33
causes a loss of friends is in fact
05:37
there was a an article that just came
05:40
out a study done by Harvard Medical
05:42
School that talked about divorce as
05:45
being contagious I hate that article so
05:48
much I know you do I understand it I do
05:52
but so when I was actually getting
05:56
divorced actually I was separated first
05:59
and then another one of my friends got
06:02
separated and one of our close friends
06:08
her husband said to her I really don’t
06:11
want you hanging out with them anymore
06:13
and I can’t tell you how how much that
06:17
hurt me and because I thought first of
06:19
all I am the first one to tell anyone to
06:23
not get divorced I mean I’m the first
06:25
man and even back then even when I was
06:27
separated I would have said to anyone
06:29
you know do not go down this road if at
06:32
all possible so I was not maybe the
06:35
typical divorcee that they’re talking
06:37
about in this article that’s going out
06:39
and having fun and oh the single life
06:40
was great completely the opposite anyway
06:43
but it was so hurtful when she said I
06:47
really can’t hang out with you guys
06:48
anymore because my husband’s worried and
06:50
at the time I was just like oh my
06:52
goodness he’s kind of a jerk and this is
06:54
so hurtful but I don’t think he was a
06:57
jerk I think he was scared I won’t and I
06:59
totally get it because the numbers are
07:01
pretty compelling yeah but you also have
07:04
to realize if you are in the middle and
07:06
this was only four people that were
07:09
friends with people before the divorce
07:11
while they were going through a divorce
07:13
right if you make friends with the
07:15
person that’s already been divorced
07:16
the numbers aren’t there right but I can
07:20
understand why you would feel hurt yeah
07:23
I I was very hurt very very this was my
07:25
really really close friend but you also
07:28
have to understand where they’re coming
07:29
from absolutely and I protect their
07:31
marriage yes I tried very hard to
07:33
understand and now I can see it 100%
07:36
that he was worried I mean her two
07:39
closest friends are getting divorced and
07:42
that was very rare at the time we didn’t
07:44
know a lot of people out of our friends
07:45
were not divorced and so this was two
07:48
very rare things happening and I totally
07:51
I totally get where he was coming from
07:53
so in this section that we’re talking
07:55
about who gets friends in the divorce
07:57
sometimes no one sometimes you lose
08:00
friends sometimes you lose hey you know
08:02
what it’s time to go to move on and let
08:06
yeah except trying to hold on all right
08:13
so let’s talk about friends here in our
08:17
situation now I was living here when we
08:21
got married and you moved in you moved
08:23
into my circle of friends and a circle
08:27
of friends of my ex-wife which was
08:29
extremely difficult for me because I had
08:33
to try and navigate who she was friends
08:36
with and who she wasn’t and just because
08:40
I wanted to be respectful I wanted to
08:42
have those boundaries and respect who
08:44
she was friends with I didn’t want I
08:46
didn’t want to try and pull someone over
08:47
like I wasn’t gonna play any games so
08:49
yeah I kind of wanted a list of stay
08:52
away from these people which of course
08:54
there is no such list but I really wish
08:56
someone would have said because I I was
08:59
I was having a hard time being friends
09:02
with anyone because I really didn’t know
09:04
what the situation was right and and in
09:07
my case I actually was friends with a
09:09
husband and their wife was a friend with
09:14
my ex right you wouldn’t be able to be a
09:17
friend with my friends right wife so
09:20
yeah it gets really really tricky right
09:23
so what we what we kind of found over
09:25
the years is you kind of group people
09:30
Yeah right our friends that are friends
09:33
with just us right friends that are just
09:36
with our ex-spouse that that circle
09:39
friends over there and then friends that
09:42
kind of span both that her friends were
09:44
both both families right oh and then
09:46
there of course there’s people that are
09:48
friends with neither yes there are
09:50
people so I think that the easiest ones
09:57
are the friends that are our closest
09:59
friends that are friends with just us
10:01
because they don’t have to deal with did
10:07
I talk to someone the right way they
10:09
don’t have to worry about
10:10
they’re not being pulled they’re not
10:11
being told at all they’re just like you
10:14
know yeah so right and and you know what
10:18
it’s important that you recognize who
10:20
those people are because you need to as
10:22
a as a divorced person or in a blended
10:25
family you need to be mindful that your
10:28
friends are going through a rough time
10:29
they could be pulled in different ways
10:32
so identifying hey yes they are engaged
10:35
in both families is an important aspect
10:38
well and we are in a circumstance where
10:41
we are in the same neighborhood
10:42
congregations schools so we are going to
10:45
see each other and our friends and all
10:48
the time all the time so we have to be
10:52
friendly and kind and nice always to
10:56
which can be hard especially if your
10:58
relationship with your ex is on the
11:01
which you know what in any divorce that
11:04
your co-parenting it goes up and down
11:06
all right yeah right so sometimes you
11:09
need to vent so this is where having I
11:12
identifying the people that are just
11:15
your friends or people that are joint
11:17
friends is important you don’t go vent
11:19
to everyone in fact we talked earlier
11:21
maybe we pick one or two people that we
11:24
could vent to if we felt like we need to
11:26
do if we had to just get something off
11:28
our chest right yeah just one or two
11:30
people that’s that’s it and make sure
11:32
those people aren’t people that would go
11:34
around and tell other people I ran into
11:36
that problem in an innovative way
11:39
yes you did right when I was getting
11:42
I confided in one of my co-workers and
11:46
of course he told his wife which is no
11:48
big deal I would expect that right but
11:51
his wife then told someone at a soccer
11:54
game who then told someone in their
11:56
congregation who then told somebody else
11:59
and it came back around and then I was
12:02
saying bad things about my ex and you
12:04
had no idea you thought that you were
12:05
keeping things completely separate this
12:07
was a work person who had no connection
12:09
they didn’t even live in the area yeah
12:12
you got to be careful who you talk to if
12:14
you are concerned and it’s a very
12:16
tight-knit community then you go talk to
12:18
a therapist and things off or your
12:20
parents you know I mean a family member
12:22
exactly now let’s talk about family
12:25
members too we talked a little bit
12:26
before sometimes your family members
12:28
still wants to be friends with your ex
12:30
I’ve seen that happen right so you’ve
12:33
got to let that sort of thing happen you
12:36
can’t just plow over the top of that you
12:39
can’t force people to be your friends no
12:41
and you can’t force people to not be the
12:43
friend to someone else either that’s not
12:46
now what about friends that span both
12:49
families we there’s several people that
12:52
we know that are like that that are
12:53
friends with them and friends with us
12:55
and yeah I think I think that there it’s
12:59
actually harder for them because
13:02
sometimes I think they feel in the
13:04
middle a little bit and I feel for them
13:06
and I hope they know that I feel for
13:08
them I I understand I because we
13:12
actually you know have friends that are
13:16
divorced and we know both couples and
13:20
you know what the exes in the and so we
13:22
have been caught in the middle a couple
13:24
times and we know how that is yeah it
13:26
can get really tough yeah it can be
13:27
really tough when you especially you
13:28
want to invite both families to
13:30
something and oh is it gonna be awkward
13:32
I mean yeah it’s it’s hard so you got to
13:35
be really patient and understanding on
13:38
no matter what side you’re on another
13:40
thing you have to work on when you have
13:41
common friends is coordination and
13:43
communication yeah it can be tricky if
13:47
you’re both trying to organize right the
13:51
thing because you haven’t communicated
13:53
clearly and we’ve had that happen yeah
13:55
we have like a carpool maybe from a
13:57
sporting event or something like that
13:59
yes and we’re trying to arrange
14:00
something and she’s trying to arrange
14:02
something and good intentions on both
14:05
sides but because we didn’t communicate
14:07
good enough sometimes a friend gets
14:10
caught in the middle and so sorry for
14:13
anyone that that’s ever happened to yeah
14:15
in fact and even if the friends are in
14:17
different circles they may actually be
14:20
yeah or share a friend in the middle so
14:22
the game of telephone goes around so if
14:25
you’re if you have a common friend’s
14:28
friend circles that overlap you’ve got a
14:31
coordinate when you’re doing anything
14:33
like carpools or taking treats to to
14:37
soccer games or whatever it is right
14:39
otherwise what happens is people hear oh
14:43
they’re going to do it Darren and Paige
14:45
are gonna bring that the snack of this
14:48
week oh no I heard his ex is going to do
14:50
it right oh so we don’t have whatever it
14:53
is right and either something gets
14:56
canceled or too many people show up for
14:59
something yeah so the ball can get
15:01
dropped and people people like our
15:04
friends or just innocent bystanders can
15:06
be caught in the middle of our little
15:09
miscommunication coordination so I hope
15:12
people are patient with us as we try and
15:26
okay let’s talk about our friends how to
15:30
be I love our friend you talk about our
15:32
friends yeah let’s talk about we’re
15:34
gonna name them all right no no we’re
15:37
not gonna let’s talk about being friends
15:40
with a divorced couple what that’s like
15:43
well I mean especially a blended family
15:46
it’s got to be difficult especially in
15:50
our case where my ex is in the same you
15:52
know circles of influence the same
15:55
circles of friends um it might get
15:58
really difficult to understand it’s
16:02
especially a fury and kind of in the
16:04
middle and friends with both do I invite
16:06
them to a birthday do I invite both
16:08
families to a birthday party right yeah
16:11
we and we’ve had you I send an email to
16:13
both to both of them talking about
16:15
something with one of their kids right
16:17
and we’ve been in this situation with
16:20
all those things you just mentioned
16:21
we’ve been invited to the same parties I
16:24
think we’ve had friends or acquaintances
16:27
that have struggled with which family to
16:29
invite and yeah I think it’s we’ve even
16:32
had the case where someone showed up for
16:34
a party at our house and it was for my
16:36
daughter and she was at her mom’s yeah
16:38
they were like oh we didn’t know what
16:41
ain’t no that’s fine it’s right deal so
16:44
we understand how difficult it must be
16:47
yes and we actually have friends that we
16:51
are friends with both the you know both
16:54
exes and you know we understand how
16:58
challenging that can be and it’s hard
17:01
it’s really hard and I feel for the
17:04
friends but I guess what I want to say
17:07
to the friends as they’re trying to
17:09
navigate us and our exes just know that
17:14
we feel for you and understand that it’s
17:18
difficult and we love you yeah we do now
17:21
let’s talk about some practical things
17:22
that you could do yeah first off if it
17:24
has to do with kids and going somewhere
17:28
sending email to both parents it’s
17:30
always the smartest thing to do because
17:34
they may be on a certain schedule like a
17:37
2:255 or week on week off you may not
17:40
know exactly where they’re going to be
17:41
when that happens right they need to be
17:45
picked up for a party or whatever it is
17:47
right so it’s always safest to just send
17:50
an email to both I’ll just cover your
17:52
bases yeah that’s just that will
17:55
eliminate any confusion so that’s one
17:59
um how about our hurt feelings a tip is
18:04
try to not let your feelings get to hurt
18:08
if you don’t get invited to something
18:11
that you thought maybe you would be but
18:13
you’re not because your ex is there
18:14
right yeah yeah exactly so that’s for us
18:17
so but as a friend of ours take a look
18:21
at you know it’s okay to invite two
18:24
people I’m you know us and Darrin’s ex
18:28
to the same party we may not we may
18:30
decide not to come right so don’t get
18:33
your feelings hurt when we don’t know
18:35
yes yes it goes both ways don’t get your
18:37
feelings hurt either way because you
18:39
have no idea if you’re friends with both
18:41
of us you may not know how our
18:43
relationship is with our ex at that
18:45
point in time we might be rocky or it
18:47
could be great and we can sit in the
18:48
same room or it may be that we can’t sit
18:51
in the same room too yeah so be patient
18:53
with everyone in the situation I like
18:56
that the next one would be try and be
19:00
supportive we know you probably haven’t
19:02
gone through the same thing that we’re
19:04
going through if you haven’t gone
19:06
through a divorce or a blended family
19:07
just be supportive the best way that you
19:10
can when we’re going through a tough
19:12
time whether it’s a disagreement on how
19:16
to raise a kid or whatever it is just
19:19
remember we’re going through a tough
19:21
time trying to figure this out so
19:23
anything you can do to be supportive of
19:25
of your friend is is valuable yep
19:28
another tip is words be careful yeah if
19:36
if something’s been told to you in
19:39
confidence that means it stays with you
19:41
yes keep that in confidence don’t then
19:43
go tell someone else and say Oh
19:45
even if you think that they’re friends
19:48
with what the person that gave you you
19:54
know vented to you or whatever telling
19:56
it to someone else they you may not know
19:58
exactly if they’re friends with both
20:00
families or just with one family so be
20:04
careful yep for sure and then what’s our
20:08
last thing figure out who needs you
20:11
yeah what do you mean by that um so if
20:15
you are at a party or get-together
20:19
neighborhood or otherwise and you see
20:21
both families there and maybe one family
20:26
is is having a hard time they’re feeling
20:28
uncomfortable because both families are
20:30
there and they’re kind of off in the
20:32
corner not feeling great about the
20:36
situation and you see the other family
20:39
and oh they’re surrounded by friends or
20:41
they’re having a good time and you’re
20:43
friends with both people maybe go to the
20:45
other person that night and say hey you
20:47
know how’s it going and so that’s what I
20:49
see see who needs you in the moment
20:51
because we’ve been on that side of it
20:54
where I could have used a friend in that
20:56
moment and I could have used somebody to
20:58
come up to me and say hey how’s it going
21:01
when you’re just feeling really
21:02
uncomfortable in some situations and so
21:06
just be mindful of which side might need
21:09
you at that moment um another thing I
21:12
would say our friends have divorced
21:13
people especially if you’re in the camp
21:16
of both don’t ever talk to him about
21:18
child support or money or anything like
21:20
that you don’t want to know you may want
21:22
to know you might be very I want to know
21:24
but you really don’t want to know in the
21:29
end well it’s not there it’s not
21:32
anyone’s business right right it’s not
21:34
and we should said that’s very private
21:37
it is so you know asking can cause
21:41
problems but even telling causes a lot
21:45
more problems yeah so you’re gonna be
21:48
curious about a lot of things with
21:50
divorced people and blended families and
21:53
maybe keep your curiosity to yourself
21:56
because yeah those questions can be hurt
21:59
and if those are private things they are
22:01
now if you’re really curious you can
22:03
listen to all of our podcasts we’re
22:04
pretty open about a lot of things that’s
22:06
right if you’re curious we have just
22:17
all right the lemonade moment of the
22:19
week you would think would be my dental
22:21
surgery but no it is not we had
22:23
something else quite interesting well
22:25
because maybe you can’t find any
22:27
lemonade through your gentleman we have
22:28
seen yes tomorrow the lemonade the
22:31
lemonade is that your brother’s so
22:33
graciously I’ve got great brothers fit
22:35
you in yeah so in an emergency they just
22:39
took care of you yeah it got to the
22:40
point Sunday night where I just couldn’t
22:44
and so I booked airplane tickets down to
22:48
San Diego area where my brother is an
22:51
oral surgeon and my other brother is a
22:53
dentist and they slid me into their
22:54
schedule to to help me out with the
22:58
problem I’m having so that’s a great
22:59
lemonade moment we could just leave it
23:02
at that oh no we gotta talk about this
23:04
other one cuz it’s pretty darn funny so
23:07
page periodically has nightmares yes I
23:11
would say it’s more than periodically
23:12
but yes and in this latest nightmare we
23:14
were actually at my niece’s wedding in
23:18
Boise Idaho congratulations Sarah and
23:21
Andrew and we are at a at a hotel and
23:25
about 1:30 in the morning
23:27
Paige wakes up and is scouring around
23:29
the room and I’m a very light sleeper so
23:31
I see her up I was trying so hard not to
23:36
wake you up I didn’t turn any lights on
23:37
because your teeth had been hurting you
23:39
and you were asleep and so I was like I
23:42
so I have my phone on you know the
23:46
flashlight on my phone and I’m scouring
23:48
as quietly as possible the hotel room
23:50
I’m trying to find my purse and you wake
23:53
up and you go what are you doing and I
23:56
said I can’t find my purse I think I’ve
23:58
lost my purse I went oh crap so we you
24:02
got up you turn the light on we looked
24:04
through the whole hotel room the purse
24:06
is not there so I throw on some clothes
24:09
head out to the car scour through the
24:12
can’t find it I come back up to the
24:14
hotel room and Paige is sitting there
24:17
with the cute little smile on her face I
24:19
thought oh she found it I said I didn’t
24:23
bring my purse on this trip so we had a
24:29
nice little lap Paige went back to sleep
24:32
and I laid there for about two hours
24:34
going like ether myself I had had a
24:36
nightmare and CI I have nightmares like
24:39
this almost every night I wake up I have
24:42
forgotten something or someone it’s
24:43
always about forgetting something
24:45
someone and in my nightmare I’d
24:48
forgotten my purse and I usually shake
24:50
myself out of it within about 30 seconds
24:52
and I didn’t for for a little bit yeah
24:57
well no you actually went right to sleep
24:59
so what’s the lemonade moment in that
25:01
eliminated moment I don’t know I got my
25:03
teeth operated on us a good laugh we
25:08
have a good laugh if you like today’s
25:16
give us five stars on iTunes Spotify
25:19
Google and head to Facebook and like us
25:22
and check out our blog at where’s the
25:25
lemonade org where you can leave
25:27
questions and comments yeah but most of
25:30
all go out and make some lemonade you
25:39
in our next episode we’re gonna talk
25:42
about how to stay connected when one of
25:44
you in your marriage is traveling a lot
25:58
due to Darren’s injury and feeling
26:01
horrible this has not been our best
26:03
episode I’m just saying in fact you
26:07
probably shouldn’t even listen to it
26:09
well if when are you adding this at the
26:12
opinions oh okay yeah that’s a good way
26:15
of weird that’s a good place to put a
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